How To Be a Cool Stepparent

I was surprised to learn that "approximately 1,300 new step-families are formed every day." "You're Not My Dad," Signs of the Times, April 2003).

Tom and Nancy found themselves single brought about by deaths in their families. Tom had two children, a son, 11, and a daughter, 9. Nancy also had a son, 10, and a daughter, 14. They both belonged to the same church and they began dating. They looked forward to happy years together. They talked about some of the challenges of step parenting--two out of three step families do not last. They read books about blended families. After the wedding and a short honeymoon they moved in together.

Wisely, they started out with a family council and as a family decided to set some rules to live by. Each child was allowed plenty of input. Tom and Nancy spent considerable time hammering out a mutually acceptable parenting philosophy. This was not easy. Nancy did not believe in spanking. She preferred time out or taking away a favorite toy for a period of time and the older children she grounded. Tom believed in "spare the rod, spoil the child." However, he agreed to give Nancy's plan a trial. But one important conclusion was agreed upon: they would present a united front in their relationship to the children.

Sensitive areas in blending families are: money, chores, TV management, and bedtime. They learned that communication was vital to maintain good relationships. This reduced tension.

One evening Shirley, Nancy's 14-year-old daughter, announced that Larry, her best friend's brother, said he would bring her home from volley ball practice. Tom said, "Sorry, but that will not be acceptable. I will pick you up at the usual time." Shirley, with hands on hips, said, "You are not my Dad!" Nancy felt like taking Shirley's side, but she bit her lip and remained silent. Later, they talked it over and Tom thanked Shirley for backing him up. Being a stepparent is a difficult tight rope to walk.

As one would expect, there was considerable bickering, usually along blood lines. Lots of family council meetings saved the day. Prayer was a vital part in the blending process. Often, Tom or Nancy would say, "It's time to pray," and they would join hands and ask God to help them solve the problem at hand.

Jeannie Moore says, "Stepparents must learn to take statements made by their stepchildren with a grain of salt." Ibid. Shirley would often make cutting statements to Tom. Nancy helped Tom to recognize that much of this behavior was repressed anger over the loss of her father. Some statements were just normal adolescent rebellion. Nancy suggested that Tom take Shirley roller skating occasionally since they both enjoyed the sport. Then they would stop on the way home for an ice-cream treat. This strategy worked wonders.

Children are often hostile toward the "invasion" of a stepparent. A stepparent will find that it is difficult or impossible to love a stepchild as much as a natural child. One thing to remember: You cannot insist on love. All you can do is to let it grow. Love must be earned and this takes time. And a natural parent can, of course, pull rank so the stepparent will have to strike a balance of being a parent and a non-parent. It takes much prayer and lots of sympathetic listening, loads of unselfishness, and many "family councils." But success is possible.

You will have to deal with jealousy, conflict of loyalties, confusion, resentment, disrespect, aloofness, withdrawal, and frustration. Sit down together and establish rules, responsibilities, and clearly state consequences and rewards. It is hard to take a back seat to a biological parent. This will be necessary especially at first. Again, be sure to present a unified front. "Johnny, your mother and I have talked it over and this is what we have decided." Regular family devotions will help a great deal. Often take time to talk about how you are getting along at blending the families.

Tom and Nancy soon discovered that the stress of parenting was having a negative affect on their marriage. So they planned a weekly date night with each other.

The unconditional love of parents for children is probably the most important single factor in the parent-child relationship. Most children interpret discipline as rejection. Consider this comment by Ellen G. White:

"Above all things else, let parents surround their children with an atmosphere of cheerfulness, courtesy, and love. A home where love dwells, and where it is expressed in looks, in words, and in acts, is a place where angels delight to manifest their presence. . . .The atmosphere thus created will be to the children what air and sunshine are to the vegetable world, promoting health and vigor of mind and body. . . . Smile, parents; smile, teachers. . . Let the sunshine from a loving, grateful heart light up the countenance. Unbend from your iron dignity, adapt yourselves to the children's needs, and make them love you. You must win their affection if you would impress religious truth upon their heart." Child Guidance, pp. 146, 148.