I was an expert on child care before we had children. I read books, I did my homework, and I was always ready with advice. Then I became a father. It wasn't long until my advice turned into: "What shall I do with this child?" Now, I'm a grandfather. I am much more humble. I discovered that child development experts don't always agree. But I see parenting as one of life's most difficult and challenging tasks. Let me share with you some observations. I have learned that the healing dialogue is probably the parents' most important skill.

George came in from school. It was obvious he was very upset. "Well, son, it's easy to see that you are angry about something. If you want to talk, I'll be happy to listen." "Yes, Dad, I want to tell you about Mr. Phelps, our gym teacher. He was empire for our softball game today. That man is either blind or a liar. He called me out when I know I got to second base before the ball did. I could see it with my eyes. Well, I got mad and told him off. He took me out of the game."

"George I know how it feels when you believe you were treated unfairly. It must have been very humiliating to be taken out of the game. So what do you think you should do about it now?" George looked at the floor and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "Well, if I don't apologize to Mr. Phelps for my anger, he could take me off the team." "Why don't you let me do your chores this afternoon and you can go up to your room, calm down, and rest up before you do your home work." "Oh, Dad, I appreciate that!" That evening, after dinner and family devotions, George said, "Well, Dad, I guess I'll apologize to Mr. Phelps. No body is perfect."

George's father handled this situation well. It is what I would call "the healing dialogue." George's father could have minimized the situation: "George, why are you so upset? It is only a game. You will feel better tomorrow. Now, the best thing for you to do is to take out your frustrations by mowing the lawn."

George's father could have given him a philosophical response: "Well, George, life is like that. People sometimes disappoint us. The best thing is just forget it. You'll feel better tomorrow. We have to learn to roll with the blows, you know." He could have given him advice: "George, if I were you, I would apologize to Mr. Phelps for your angry words. Think of some good things about him." Or, he could have tried to defend Mr. Phelps: "George, coaches have a hard job. They are not perfect. The best thing to do is to forgive and forget." George's father responded to his son's anger in what we might call "emotional first aid." He empathized with him: "I know how it feels."

Dr. Haim Ginott said, "Strong feelings tend to diminish in intensity and to lose their sharp edges when a sympathetic listener accepts them with understanding. After emotional first aid has been administered, it is often best to postpone further action. The temptation to teach someone an instant lesson should be resisted. Immediate intervention may only escalate the conflict. It is easier to resolve incidents and restore peace when emotions have subsided and moods changed. In emotional situations, a parent's response to his teenager should be different from that of anyone else. A stranger speaks to the mind; a parent speaks to the heart." Between Parent and Teenager, p. 65.

George's father acted wisely in not giving George a lecture or advice when he was angry. A week later he picked him up after school and they drove through the park on the way home. He stopped the car and they looked out over the peaceful lake. He commented on the beauty of God's creation and finally asked, "How is Mr. Phelps doing?" "Well, Dad, we are good friends now. I apologized. He said that he may have been wrong in calling me out. He said he tried to be fair." George and his father had a nice visit. They talked about anger, and self control. "George, I used to have a bad temper when I was young. I finally took it to the Lord in prayer and He gave me the victory. George, can I pray for you now?" So he offered a short prayer for his son. He put his arm around his shoulders, gave him a hug, and then they drove home.

To Help With Feelings:

1. Listen with full attention.

2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word -- "Oh,". . , "Mmm,". . , "I see."

3. Give their feelings a name. Example: Child: "My turtle is dead! He was alive this morning." Parent: "Oh, that is a terrible shock!" The child who hears a word describing what he is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged his internal experience.

THE LISTENING HEART provides parents with awesome power. But listening is difficult for parents because it runs against our natural self-centered tendencies. Listening to children--takes humility, openness, and "agape" love.

Remember: "A gentle answer turns away wrath" Prov. 15:1, NIV. "When...you are tempted to speak and act harshly, wait before you correct them. Give them an opportunity to think." Child Guidance, p. 246.