Everything we fix for our kids, our kids will be unable to fix for themselves."Cline and Fay, Parenting With Love and Logic, p. 51. When we rush to rescue children from the consequences of their misbehavior, we show a lack of faith in their ability and their resourcefulness. It's hard to watch children suffer. But pain is a great teacher. (This is one way God teaches us.)

Sally was standing at the kitchen sink doing the dishes. She was watching her son, Ron, age 10, and Gary, age 8, a neighbor friend. They appeared to be having an argument. Finally Ron hauls off and hits Gary in the face. Gary runs screaming to his house next door. Sally felt a strong urge to rush out, grab Ron and force him to apologize to Gary. But she chose, rather to use a "love and logic" approach and to allow Ron to experience the consequences of his behavior. Soon Gary's mother, came out her door and ran toward Sally's house. Sally met Martha at the back door. "I don't blame you for being angry, Martha. I saw Ron hit Gary from my kitchen window. Please wait and I will get Ron and would you please tell him exactly how you feel about his behavior.

Presently, she came leading Ron by the arm. She was trembling with fear and rage. Sally looked Ron in the eye and in a calm voice said, "I saw you hit Gary from the kitchen window. I'm very angry and disappointed in you." "Now, Martha, please tell Ron how you feel." Gary is standing there with his mother. There is some blood on his lip. Martha looked Ron in the eye and said in a calm, definite voice, "Ron, you have hurt your best friend. I am surprised at your behavior. You have an ugly temper. If you don't learn to control it, some day you will get into serious trouble." Ron began to cry. "I am very sorry, Mrs. Gray, that I hit Gary, and Gary, I'm sorry I hit you. I will never hit anyone again. Please forgive me!" Then Sally said to Ron, "When your father gets home we will decide on consequences. I hope you will learn better ways to solve arguments." Sally placed the problem on Ron's shoulders where it belonged. He will have the afternoon to think about the episode and to anticipate the confrontation with his father.

"Allowing children to solve their own problems presumes an implicit, basic trust that their behavior will change as they learn from their experiences--when they learn that hitting another person usually results in bad news for the prevocateur....The best solution to any problem lies within the skin of the person who owns the problem." Ibid., p. 55.

"Mom, where is Wiggles?" "Oh, I took him to Laura's house. Wiggles will be her dog from now on." "Oh, Mom, why did you do that? I love Wiggles." "Well, Tracy, I'm tired of hearing him whimper for food. You have not taken care of your dog." "Oh, Mom, please give me one more chance. I promise you that I will faithfully care for him." "Well, I'll talk to your father when he gets home. It may be that Laura will give Wiggles back but I know she really loves Wiggles." That evening, Tracy, her mother, and dad had a long talk about responsibility. Tracy promised to faithfully care for Wiggles. "Alright, Tracy, you may call Laura and see if she is willing to return Wiggles to you. Tell her about your promise to care for Wiggles." That night there was a happy reunion between Tracy and her beloved Wiggles.

Problem, problem, who owns the problem? Often kids don't see their poor grades, tardiness, or irresponsibility as a problem.

When do we as parents step in, and when do we not? There are times when parents should step in and make their kid's problems their own. Obviously, when a child is in danger physically or morally, parents should intervene. Or, when a child's educational future is threatened.

Suppose a teacher clearly has a grudge against your child and shows it in ways that can be verified. Parents should do something about the situation. Or, it could be a neighborhood where you live is dangerous. Perhaps your child has been approached by a drug pusher. You may be forced to move in order to protect your children. My father was in a retail business with my grandfather. My sister was a teenager and it became obvious that the environment around the store and residence where they lived was detrimental to character development. My parents sold their interest in the business and moved to the country and they never regretted the move.

But, "remember, everything we fix for our kids, our kids will be unable to fix for themselves." Ibid., p. 51. If Laura has trouble on the school bus and we stop the bus one morning to talk to the driver and the other kids, we have probably stopped her from handling that problem herself.

If Tom sasses a teacher and gets into trouble, we should let the school take care of the consequences. But when Tom sasses you as a parent, then you deal with it.

"The same power that upholds nature is working also in man....To transgress His law--physical, mental, or moral--is to place one's self out of harmony with the universe, to introduce discord, anarchy, ruin... The world is a lesson book, life a school." Child Guidance, p. 55.

"So far as possible, every child should be trained to self-reliance... Children who are left to rely principally upon their own exertions make better men and women and are better fitted for practical life than those children who have depended upon their father's estate...It is obstacles that make men strong. It is not helps, but difficulties, conflicts, rebuffs, that make men of moral sinew." Ibid., p. 156.