Revised 2007

Josh McDowell wrote: "Rules without relationship lead to rebellion." Focus on the Family, Oct. 16, 1987. If you want children to cooperate with household rules -- build a relationship.

Rules are important in any organization. Plan regular family councils. This will provide the children with a voice to express their feelings and fears. And parents need to listen to what children have to say about family rules. Ask questions like: "What do you think?" Remember talking is teaching.

"Every Christian home should have rules; and parents should, in their words and deportment toward each other, give to the children a precious, living example of what they desire them to be. . . . Teach the children and youth to respect themselves, to be true to God, true to principle; teach them to respect and obey the law of God." The Adventist Home, p. 16

"Let none imagine . . . that harshness and severity are necessary to secure obedience. . . . Harsh words sour the temper and wound the hearts of children, and in some cases these wounds are difficult to heal. Children are sensitive to the least injustice, and some become discouraged under it and will neither heed the loud, angry voice of command nor care for threatenings of punishment. . . . Say what you mean calmly, move with consideration, and carry out what you say without deviation." Ibid., pp. 308, 309.

Ellen White went on to say: "Father and mother, bind your hearts in closest, happiest union. . . .[T]hen you are prepared to bind your children's hearts to you by the silken cord of love." Ibid., p. 316.

Children will not resist rules if they are explained so they make sense. "Administer the rules of the home in wisdom and love, not with a rod of iron. Children will respond with willing obedience to the rule of love. Commend your children whenever you can. Make their lives as happy as possible. . . . Remember that children need not only reproof and correction, but encouragement and commendation, the pleasant sunshine of kind words." Ibid., p. 18.

The Value of Reading Aloud to Children

"Daddy, would you read to me?" He was standing in the doorway leading into my study, book in hand. Oh, how I wish I had put aside my sermon, picked him up, and read to him! Now, he is a grown man with a family of his own.

Reading to children is one important way closeness is developed. Harvey Wiener says, "Few times in a day bring more delight than the intimate moments on an easy chair or on pillows propped against a headboard, favorite word and picture book in hand, a youngster's eyes glued to a page as Mother's voice brings magic to the room with the words she reads. You delight in the joy of a tiny, attentive body on your lap or beside you; your child delights in the melody of your voice, hypnotized by it, and the story it weaves, as well as by the drawings, photos, and print forms on the page." Talk With Your Child, p. 69.

Talk With Your Children:*

Who talks to your children? Harvey S. Wiener says, "Talking and learning depend on each other. Are you satisfied that you're talking enough with your child now? In general, family statistics in this regard are pretty grim. American mothers, says the Department of Education, spend less than 30 minutes a day talking with their children. Fathers spend even less than that -- about 15 minutes a day." (See Talk With Your Child, p. 7).

And why is it important to talk with your children? First of all, Scripture admonishes us: "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up" (Deut. 6:6, 7, NIV).

Eye Contact:*

When we use eye contact to communicate love and warmth, it nurtures the other person, be it spouse, friend, or child. Unfortunately, many parents use eye contact to punish: "Look at me. Now go and do as I say." We use eye contact when we give instructions or when we reprimand or criticize, but rarely do we give solid eye contact to convey tenderness, caring, and unconditional love. (See Ross Campbell, How to Really Love Your Child, pp. 42-44.)

Listening:*

It has been said that "listening is participating in another person's life."

"Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. . . . When we are listened to, it creates, makes us unfold and expand. Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life. . . . It makes people happy and free when they are listened to. . . . [I]t is this expressing and expanding that makes the little creative fountain inside us begin to spring and cast up new thoughts and unexpected laughter and wisdom."

"Remember, when a child asks a question, he or she is ready to learn. So listen carefully and respond with love and caring." *(Adapted from How to Teach the Bible With Power, by Charles H. Betz, pp. 48, 35, 37-39, 42)

My mother understood the importance of talking to children and then listening. I had two older teenage sisters. I remember my mother repeating a rule: "You must be home by 10:00 o'clock." Often time she would tell my sisters to invite their friends to our house for popcorn and games. Our home was a favorite place for many teenagers. Mother knew how to combine firmness with love and thus built a beautiful relationship with her children.