Luke was absorbed in a computer game. His mother opened his door and said, "Luke, dinner is ready. Please come right now!" He never looked up. No response. Mother decided to use some "love and logic." So she whispered in his ear: "We would love to have you join us for dinner. We like your company so you may join us in the next 10 minutes, or, you may wait 'til breakfast."

Most parents feel that they must control everything in their children's lives--the time when they go to bed, what they wear, and what TV programs they watch. Foster W. Cline, M.D., and Jim Fay have another idea. "Control is a curious thing. The more we give away, the more we gain. Parents who attempt to take all the control from their children end up losing the control they sought to begin with. These parents invite their children to fight to get control back. In the battle for control, we should never take any more than we absolutely must have; we must always cut our kids in on the action. When we do that, we put them in control on our terms." Parenting with Love and Logic, p. 72.

God gave Adam and Eve two choices: Obey and live, or disobey and die. And God stood by His proposition. We all learn by the choices we make. We inevitably experience the consequence of our choices--and we learn. Byron Kehler says that "we should never give a choice unless we are willing to allow the child to experience the consequences of that choice." Positive Parenting Seminar lecture. Let's say your two kids are fussing in the back seat of the car and you say, "Stop that noise or I will stop the car and you can walk home." You know and they know that you would never let them off down town ten miles from home.

A messy room is a perennial problem with kids. Eight-year-old Fred is playing outside and Mother yells for the third time, "Your room needs cleaning and picking up. Please come and take care of it now!" A better approach would be, "Which would you choose: To clean your room now or this afternoon?" This way Fred gets to participate in the decision-making process. Remember, our goal is self-regulation.

Never give more than two verbal choices. There is always the implied third--if you don't select one of the two options, I will choose for you and you won't like mine. This implication works wonders if your child has learned by experience that insolence, defiance, and misbehavior always involve consequences.

Picking up toys is usually a trial for four-year-olds. Try this: "Would you rather pick up your toys right now, or would you prefer me to pick them up and you pay me out of your allowance?"

Sibling rivalry in a back seat of a car is a perennial problem when traveling--especially long distances. Joe, five, and Bob, seven, are having a heated argument over who gets the window seat. (The other window is blocked by hanging clothes.) Dad and Mom, in the front seat, are tired of the fussing. Dad could have yelled threats, but he chose to use a love and logic approach. "Joe and Bob, we are tired of the noise in the back seat. You have two choices: "You can draw straws to see who gets to sit by the car window, or settle the problem peaceably yourselves--like taking turns." Giving children choices focuses their minds on positive solutions instead of threats. It helps preserve a positive relationship. Your most important possession as a parent is a warm, caring relationship with your children. Remember, relationships like some exotic flowers are very fragile.

"This battle for control begins early in life. From infancy on, children live a drama of gaining responsibility and control over their own lives...Giving even the smallest children a certain amount of freedom and control over their lives instills in them the sense of responsibility and maturity we want them to have. Independence helps children learn about the real world as their wisdom grows from the results of their decisions." Cline & Fay, Ibid, p. 72.

Kehler says, "Your delivery is important. Try to start your sentence with one of the following: "You're welcome to -- -- or -- --." "Feel free to -- -- or -- --." "Would you rather -- -- or -- --?" Non-threatening choices offered in a calm, non- hysterical manner gives children a chance to take some control over their problems." Kehler, Ibid.

"Choose you this day whom you will serve." Josiah 24:25. "Too much management is as bad as too little. Every child should understand the true force of the will. He should be led to see how great is the responsibility involved in this gift. The will is...the power of decision, or choice...The parent or teacher who by such instruction trains the child to self-control will be the most useful and permanently successful." Child Guidance, pp. 210, 209.