Martha, age 11, missed the bus again--twice in one week. So, her mother had to drive her to school. She was still angry when Dave, her husband, came home. "I grounded her for three weeks--no phone calls, no games at school, no company." "Laura, that seems a bit extreme, don't you think?" The disagreement escalated and unknown to the parents, Martha was in the next room and she heard every word of the angry exchange.

Disagreements between parents on discipline issues can be very damaging. The children get mixed messages."When parents don't agree on the rules, they have difficulties being consistent in enforcing those rules,...The child caught in the middle may become anxious and develop problems with sleep, school, or social life." Ernest N. Jouriles Ph.D., Good Housekeeping, July 1995. Also, kids are very adept at pitting one parent against the other in order to get their way.

So how can parents get their act together? First, do your home work. Read and pray. (See Child Guidance, pp. 223-258.) Then develop a parenting philosophy together. Tamara Eberlein suggests some good principles:

Respect Your Differences: We tend to parent the way we were parented. If your folks were extremely neat, you will probably expect the same. Your spouse may be more "laidback" and relaxed. Sometimes parenting styles are just different. Accept this fact.

Agree To Support Each Other: First agree on a policy and present a united front. Lets say you have agreed on the rule, "We do not eat in the living room." Cindy forgets. She carries her popcorn into the living room to watch her favorite TV program. Dad says, "You know our rule--no eating in the living room. Well, be very careful. " This is a 'No, No.' Changing rules or making an exception is not fair. It sends the wrong message to the child.

Meet Each Other Halfway: If the issue is not critical sometimes you should compromise. Example: "We have agreed that if you want to eat popcorn while you watch TV, you must put a sheet on the floor, sit only on the sheet, pick things up afterward, then fold the sheet and put it away."

Conduct A Clinical Trial: Parents often have their favorite parenting ideas. Why not agree to try them and compare results. (Don't tell your children about what you are doing or they will adjust their behavior to support what they prefer.) Let's say your 15-year-old son never makes his bed or picks up after himself. You have different theories about how to deal with this problem, so try one, see how it works. Try another and see how that works.

Which Parent Is Most Involved? Suppose 14-year-old Tom never can remember to put his bicycle in the garage. He habitually leaves it in the driveway. Since Dad is most involved, Sarah, Tom's mother, said, "The garage is your department. I'll go along with your recommendation." If it is a bedtime problem, Mother has the last word. Father agrees to go along with her suggestions. (Of course, for this strategy to work, each parent must have veto power.)

Brainstorm For A Solution: Let's say your 18-year-old continually comes in long after your midnight curfew--1:00 a.m., 2:00 a.m. What do you do? Try a brainstorming technique. Both of you write down as many possible solutions to the problem as you can think of. Then compare. Discuss the positive and negative aspects of each suggested solution. Then eliminate those suggestions where one parent thinks it is a poor choice. Keep refining your judgments, use open discussion until you finally arrive at a mutually acceptable solution. Adapted from Tamara Eberlein, Good Housekeeping, July 1995.

Remember, the manner (voice, attitude, timing) in which you approach the child has much to do with the way it is accepted. Start positively: "We appreciate the few times that you have called us when you were going to be late. We know its hard to tell friends that you have to be home at midnight. Here are our reasons why we have taken this stand." (List your reasons--based on fairness and rational thinking.) "Larry, last Saturday night you didn't get in until 2:00 a.m. Mother and I were very worried. Misbehavior, as you know, has consequences. You have two choices: -- or --."

Disagreements over child discipline are inevitable. Solutions come by calm reason. Be ready to negotiate. Choose a strategy you both can agree on. Pray. "The work of cooperation should begin with the father and mother themselves, in the home life. In the training of their children they have a joint responsibility, and it should be their constant endeavor to act together. Let them yield themselves to God, seeking help from Him to sustain each other." Child Guidance, p. 319.