Parenting Styles and Birth Order

I first heard Dr. Kevin Leman at a seminar in Religious Education. I was amazed to hear him offer to tell the birth order of anyone who would come forward and respond to a few questions. He was successful in almost every instance. Yes, personality characteristics and parenting styles can be linked to birth order. Every person has his special place in the family constellation. As members of the family we are all connected with each other. We learn from our parents how to be a man or a woman, a husband or a wife, a father and a mother. Dr. Leman says "Everyone comes to marriage and parenthood with a predetermined set of views and values gained a long time ago,... (Your parents) taught you an awful lot about parenting." Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down, pp. 36, 38. You have probably said to yourself, I will never parent my children the way I was parented. Then, the first thing you know, you are making the same mistakes your parents made.

Dr. Leman asked Cindy, a client who desperately needed help in parenting, about her family. "I was the oldest of three. Roy, my younger brother, was five years younger and my sister, Meryl, was eight years younger. Dr. Leman said, "As a first born in the family, a great deal of your basic lifestyle came from your interaction with parents and possibly other adults. Your younger brother and sister learned from parents, but much of their life-style comes from their interaction with older siblings." Cindy's father was a strict perfectionist who believed in spanking. It suddenly dawned on her that her harsh treatment of her youngest child was just like the way she was treated. Cindy's younger brother, Roy, as is often the case--was easy-going, popular at school and competitive. "What about your little sister?" asked Dr. Leman. "She was the little clown of the family and got away with murder," Cindy replied.

This was a classic three-child family. The most important figure in Cindy's early development was her father. The perfectionism she learned from him was the reason why she was finding it so hard to be patient with her own children-- especially her youngest. The oldest child has the hardest time growing up. They tend to be high-achievers. They do well in school, are more often listed in "Who's Who," but they tend to suffer with anxieties. They are often pressured to do well so they become bossy and suffer with low self-esteem. Middle children, as was the case with Roy, tend to be more social, and well liked. They make better marriage partners. These are known as the "sandwich kids--the ones in the middle. They are usually bossed by their older siblings and find themselves lost in the shuffle. And they often bond more with their mothers. The youngest tend to be more dependant and less mature. Parents are less exacting, less punitive, more easy going. Actually, younger children have different parents than the older children because of the passage of time and parents tend to change their parenting styles.

Of course, there are many other variables: the sex of the child, the spacing of the children, and the education of the parents. Children who are close together in age, tend to experience more sibling rivalry, and make a greater demand for attention.

Dr. Leman comments: "Well, there is bad news and good news. The bad news is that the grain of your wood is set. Your basic lifestyle was determined a long time ago. Your birth order had much to do with your choice of certain roles you wanted to play in life. And your childhood memories confirm the life-style you chose and your perceptions of your world, even your world today as an adult. The good news is that you can change your behavior. You can 'know yourself' well enough to be able to recognize what you are doing to your children and stop it before you start. You don't have to blow to and fro between the winds of authoritarianism and permissiveness. You can learn to be firm but fair, in loving authority over your child, in control but not a controller, with flexible rules, not rigid ones. In short, you can have a functioning family." Ibid, p. 47. (Material adapted from Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down, pp. 36-47.)

As Christian fathers and mothers we have a marvelous resource available to us through prayer and the study of God's Word. "When you have faithfully done all that you can do, bring your children to Jesus; and with earnest, persevering faith, make intercession for them. The Lord will be your helper; He will work with your efforts; in His strength you will gain the victory....Your compassionate Redeemer is watching you in love and sympathy, ready to hear your prayers and render you the assistance which you need in your lifework." Child Guidance, pp. 172, 173.

"Whatever is true...noble,.. right,..pure,..lovely,.. admirable...think about such things"- (Phil. 4:8, NIV).