How To Be Firm, But Kind

The foundation of a solid relationship with our child is unconditional love. Only that type of love relationship can assure a child's growth to his full and total potential," declares Dr. Ross Campbell. How to Really Love Your Child, p. 29. He says that most children do not feel loved unconditionally. We communicate love when children please us and do what we say. But when they misbehave we respond harshly, we sometimes yell, and slap when they are disobedient and rowdy. The most difficult task in parenting is to convey unconditional love when we must discipline. But according to Dr. Campbell, "Love and discipline cannot be separated." And "that making a child feel loved is the first and most important part of good discipline." Ibid. pp. 79, 80.

"It is not necessary to resort to harsh measures; a firm, steady hand and a kindness which convinces the child of your love will accomplish the purpose." Child Guidance, p. 83.

A distraught father wrote a letter to Ellen White asking for counsel on how to deal with his erring son. She said, "Do not withdraw your love now. That love and sympathy is needed now as never before. When others look with coldness and put the worst construction upon the misdeeds of your boy, should not the father and mother in pitying tenderness seek to guide his footsteps into safe paths?...He needs you, and he wants a father and a mother to help him to recover himself from the snare of Satan. Hold him fast by faith and love." Child Guidance, p. 266.

Here are some guidelines:

Control your feelings. "Be so calm, so free from anger, that they will be convinced that you love them, even though you punish them." Ibid. p. 249. When you blow it--and we all do occasionally-- apologize. You will find instant forgiveness. Hugs brings those rare moments of closeness that we treasure.

Don't Over React! Children are masters at knowing just what button to push to exasperate parents. With me it was dawdling over chores or inventing excuses for bad behavior. That's the time for parents to "take time out" until, by prayer, they get a handle on their feelings.

Consider the child's age and temperament. Are my expectations realistic for this child? Remember young (preschool) children cannot reason abstractly. Perhaps there is a physical problem. Hyperactive children can often be helped with medication. It is important to know the age-level characteristics of your children.

What does this child need at this time? We tend to ask "What can I do to correct this child's behavior?" Campbell, Op cit, p. 94. Sometimes just sit down with your child and put your arm around him and hold him tight for a few minutes. It works like magic.

"Restrain every word that would arouse unholy temper. 'Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath,' is the divine injunction. Remember that your children are young in years and experience. In controlling and disciplining them, be firm, but kind. Children do not always discern right from wrong, and when they do wrong, they are often treated harshly, instead of being kindly instructed." Child Guidance, p. 259.

Prayer: I have found that prayer is absolutely essential in knowing what to do. When you know you are angry a good strategy is to say, "I am too upset to talk to you about this problem right now. We will talk about it later." This gives your child time to think and you, an opportunity to get by yourself and ask God to calm your spirit and give you wisdom to know what to do. "Go by yourself, and ask the Lord to soften and subdue the hearts of your children and to give you wisdom in dealing with them. Never, in a single instance have I known this method to fail. You cannot make a child understand spiritual things when the heart is stirred with passion." Child Guidance, p. 244.

In Christ we find justice and mercy perfectly blended. We are, after all, just grown children and God knows exactly what we need. His discipline is always mixed with kindness. So let us eliminate all harshness, scolding, threats, censer, stormy words, severity, and irritation. But with a firm, loving hand, guide them through the dangerous days. "Rule them by the combined influence of affection and Christlike authority." Child Guidance, p. 263.