Sandy opened Judy's bedroom door, looked in, and shaking her head in despair, closed the door. Half of Judy's clothes were scattered on the floor, books and papers were strewn all over her unmade bed. Sandy was as neat as a pin. She liked to see things in order. "Why is Judy like this?" she asked herself. They had tried everything --punishment, rewards, reasoning, but nothing worked. Judy's usual response was "It's my room, I like it this way, I feel right a home."

Sandy remembered an article that she read recently on parenting entitled: "The 'no-lose' method." She said to herself, "Perhaps this is a power struggle. Judy is naturally a strong-willed child." That evening she talked to Jack, her husband. "Well," he said, "we have tried everything else. Let's try this and see what happens." That evening, after dinner, Sandy said, "Judy, dear, will you please come to the living room and sit down with us. Daddy and I would like to share some feelings with you. It's about your room. I am sick and tired of our endless conflicts and I am sure that you must be weary of my nagging. And sometimes, I have been impatient with you and I'm sorry. But, this morning, when I looked in your room, I was appalled! Half of your clothes were on the floor, books and papers were scattered around--it was a mess! Judy, I'm sorry, but I can't stand to live in a mess like this. Your room is part of our home. I have a suggestion: Let's see if together we can come up with a solution to this problem. We are willing to listen to you so that the solution will be your idea, too. Do you have any suggestions? How can we solve this problem together?" Judy (age 9) said, "Yes, Mommy, I know how you feel. I don't like the conflict either. Well, to tell you the truth, the biggest thing about cleaning my room is using the vacuum cleaner. I hate vacuuming and especially the messy cord." Judy thought a moment and then she said, "I'll pick up my room and make my bed every morning and keep my clothes and books in place, if you will vacuum my room when you vacuum the hall. I'll even help you with the dusting on Fridays." Sandy looked at Jack. He nodded his head. "It's a deal, Judy. Let's shake on it." And, the arrangement worked quite well. Judy did keep her word.

Dr. Thomas Gordon, in his book, Parent Effectiveness Training, explains that when there is a conflict between parent and child, most parents feel that they must win. Dr. Gordon suggests a "no-lose" way of resolving conflicts: "The parent asks the child to participate with him in a joint search for some solution acceptable to both. One or both may offer possible solutions. They critically evaluate them and eventually make a decision on a final solution acceptable to both. No selling of the other is required after the solution has been selected, because both have already accepted it. No power is required to force compliance, because neither is resisting the decision." Parent Effectiveness Training, p. 196.

The power method in dealing with problem children is really a dead-end street. Threats, yelling, and punitive measures are often worse than useless. "The 'no-lose' method" where children and parents sit down together and seek for a solution that is agreeable to all is much better.

Start very young. Let your children help you sweep, dust, and pick up things. Make it a game. Then give them appreciation and an occasional reward. "This work of teaching neatness and order will take a little time each day, but it will pay in the future of your children, and in the end will save you much time and care." Child Guidance, p. 111. Converse with your child as you work together: "It's nice to see things clean and in order, isn't it? When Jesus came out of the tomb at His resurrection, the Bible says: "The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen" (John 20:7, NIV). So Jesus liked to see things neat and orderly, didn't He? And we want to be like Jesus, don't we?" Yes, it does take time to teach children these habits, but it will pay off in the end. So, be pro-active, start young and enjoy the companionship of your children as you teach them.

"Our God is a God of order, and He desires that His children shall will to bring themselves into order....From the mother the children are to learn habits of neatness, thoroughness, and dispatch...Habits of industry and thoroughness will be an untold blessing to the youth in the larger school of life..." Child Guidance, p. 112.

Yes, neatness, order and promptness are valuable traits of character. But be careful how you enforce rules. Don't destroy a relationship in order to have a neat bedroom. Give "the 'no-lose' method" a good try.