How do you respond to authority? Let's say you are driving along the freeway and suddenly red lights are flashing behind you. You look at your speedometer. Or, you are grounding your teenager for misbehavior. Authority brings different feelings, depending on the circumstances. Eugene Kennedy and Sarah Charles, MD, in their recent book: Authority, contrasts authoritarism and authority. The authoritarian person likes to "throw his weight around." Power is a function of authoritarianism. He has an impulse to control. His children obey out of fear. Kennedy and Charles suggest that natural authority generates life and authors growth. "Exercising authority is fundamentally spiritual work." Authority, pp. 2, 58.

Even in Christian families there is often a failure to distinguish between healthy authority: exercised with a blend of firmness and love, and authoritariansm--display of raw power. Kennedy and Charles say that "Healthy parents are not 'heavy handed,' psychiatrist Jerry M. Lewis writes. Rather, they provide...a quality of easy leadership." Ibid, pp. 58, 59. Healthy authority does not yield ultimate authority to children. Children are not free to grow without authority. You must "impose your values on your children." Ibid, p. 66. All children, especially adolescents, will test the limits of parental authority. We must make demands, set expectations, rules, and use rewards and punishments. But we need not be harsh. We are not talking about complete control with no tolerance for error either.

Healthy authority avoids hitting, swatting, yelling, threatening, or imtimidating. Four-year-old Charles knows better than to hit Laurel, his two-year-old sister. She screams and mother comes running. She intervenes by firmly taking Charles by the arm and leading him over to the couch. "Do you remember our rule: 'we do not hit!'" She gets down on her knees, looks Charles squarely in the eye. "What did I say? Please repeat." "We are not supposed to hit," mumbled Charles. "Please go and sit in our 'time out chair' and think about what you have done. I'll tell you when you can leave the chair." (To hit or spank Charles may teach him the value of hitting-- you get your own way if you are bigger.) Spanking as a way of exercising authority should be very rare. (See Child Guidance, p. 250.)

There must always be a consequence for misbehavior. As far as possible, let the consequence fit the misbehavior. (If television is the problem--take away the television privilege.) Our goal is to teach the child that the way of happiness is to yield to loving authority. "Because I say so," should end the conversation. (Assuming that you have explained the reason for your rule at another time.) The Bible is clear: The angel told Sarah's servant, "Go back to your mistress and submit to her" (Gen. 16:9, NIV). Servants are to obey their masters and children are to obey their parents. Lucifer's pride led him to reject God's love and finally to defy His authority. Sin on earth followed the same dismal pattern--pride, distrust, and finally defiance.

The first lesson in life is that God is love. The tiny baby must find security in Mother's arms. Love is as necessary as food. The next lesson is submission to loving authority. "Obedience to parental authority should be inculcated in babyhood and cultivated in youth." Child Guidance, p. 82. "It is not necessary to resort to harsh measures; a firm, steady hand and a kindness which convinces the child of your love, will accomplish the purpose." Ibid., p. 83. A great theological principle declares: "His (God's) authority rests upon goodness, mercy, and love." The Desire of Ages, p. 759.

Sandy came down stairs wearing tights and a tee-shirt and announced that she was going outside. Mother said, "Oh, honey, it's awfully cold outside. You'd better put on some warm clothes." She flipped her little head and said, "Do I have to?" Mother could have lashed out with a scolding and sent the insolent little Sandy to her room. But Daddy came to the rescue. "Let's go outside for a walk together and see what we can see?" So they left together, Sandy dressed as she was, and Daddy was bundled up in his warm coat. As they walked, Daddy kept checking on Sandy, "Honey, are you OK?" Not much of an answer. Later, "Are you OK?" Nothing but a grunt. Finally, as she moved closer and closer to her daddy for warmth, he asked again, "Honey, are you OK?" "No, Daddy, I am very cold." Sandy's daddy could have given her a lecture or a "I told you so" sermon, but he did not. He stripped off his own coat, wrapped it around his daughter and carried her up the driveway back toward the house. Instead of a lecture, Sandy's daddy demonstrated grace. It was probably a lesson she never forgot. (Adapted from "Blending Justice and Mercy," by R. Kaylin, NPUC Gleaner, Oct. 3, 1994.)