"Julie, Grandma brought you a lovely gift--a paint set that you always wanted. What do you have to say to her? She is leaving now." "Oh, yes. Thank you, Grandma!" Julie, age 4, ran to Grandma, gave her a big hug and a kiss.

Teaching children good manners is a long process. "That was a nice meal, Mrs. Brown. May I be excused?" "Please," "I'm sorry," "Thank you." If children are not restrained at the table, at the shopping mall, at church, they will humiliate you. Elaine Minamide comments: "Does it matter? It's not as though having refined manners is the be-all and end-all of life's achievements. Nevertheless, I still want my children to have good manners, not because I fancy them hobnobbing with society's elite, but because part of the privilege we have as Christians is to behave with dignity and respect for others. We are, after all, spiritual descendants of nobility, children of the King." Focus on the Family, August 1996. Here are five guidelines for teaching children manners:

1. Clearly state your rules.

"Randy, remember when we were shopping at the mall last week, a boy about your age (age 5) was making a big fuss, pushing his little sister, and jumping on the furniture? His mother started yelling at him. You said, `I guess he was never taught how to act.' You didn't enjoy his behavior. That's why we try to teach our children to walk quietly with us and not make loud noises or be rude when we are shopping." "George, do you recall our rules for riding together in the car? Tell me what they are." George stammers and says, "Well, we're not supposed to talk loud, nor fight, nor argue." "And another rule that you have forgotten today is, `we do not make loud noises, because we do not want to distract the person who is driving.' Now, please, no more loud noises."

2. Adapt the rules to age and circumstances.

I was relaxing one evening after dinner reading the newspaper. When "plop"--a spoonful of spinach landed on my newspaper. I looked over my shoulder to my scowling three-year-old son--sitting in his high chair. He had had it with spinach! Our twelve-year-old burst out in laughter. Soon everyone was laughing--except me. (It was difficult to keep a sober mien.) I walked over to Charles, Junior and said, "Chuckie, your food belongs on your plate. Please do not throw it anymore. Now, can you tell me what I have said?" He repeated verbatim what I had just said. I knew he understood. In teaching manners to young children, keep your rules simple. Don't try to teach all of the rules at once. As they grow older and can understand, then state each rule.

3. State reasons for rules.

John, do you know why we ask you to eat quietly and avoid loud noises at the table? Noise interferes with the conversation of adults, it hurts our ears.

Megan and Lonnie, do you know why we ask you not to run up and down the aisles even after the church service is over? It is because this is God's sanctuary and He wants us to respect our place of worship. He wants us to be reverent in His house.

4. Teach by example.

Yelling at each other does not show refinement. Children are naturally boisterous and they tend to yell. But when parents speak kindly and quietly to each other and to the children, they will eventually emulate their parents' behavior. Constant reminding will be necessary: "Johnnie, we do not yell at each other." "Parents, be kind and gentle with your children, and they will learn gentleness." Child Guidance, p. 218.

5. Reward good behavior.

When children behave fairly well or show marked improvement, affirm them. "Davy and Lena, thank you for the good table manners you displayed today. You were quiet, and you didn't complain." "Tom, you were so quiet in church today and you listened to the sermon. I am proud of you. For a reward we will drive to the lake this afternoon and we'll hike on your favorite pathway through the woods." Children repeat good behavior when it is recognized and affirmed.

Good manners rests on consideration for others and a desire to have order and peace in our homes.