Do you recognize some of the following characteristics in your children: they want the best of everything, they avoid challenges, they are selfish and do not respect the rights of others, they are self-indulgent and lack discipline? They live only for the moment. It may be that your child is on the way to being spoiled. (Adapted from Nancy Devlin, The Oregonian, July 4, 1996.)

We all want our children to be happy and we enjoy doing things for them. But our generous impulses can lead us into a `love trap.' Children need attention but not the excessive attention they sometimes demand. Dr. Barton Schmitt gives suggestions to avoid the spoiling syndrome:*

1. Provide age-appropriate limits. External controls are necessary until self-control begins to emerge at 5 or 6 years of age. Even then they will need reminders. Children will still love you when you say "No." In fact they will love you more when you provide loving limits. A child with no limits becomes self-centered and unhappy.

2. Begin early. Parenting is much easier when disciplining begins early. Even very small children can develop a habit of responding to rules. "No, Tom, electric plugs are not to play with." "Sally, you are to stay in your car seat." Gently, but firmly, insist on absolute obedience. "Education begins with the infant in his mother's arms." Child Guidance, p. 26.

3. Tantrums. Children will try everything to get their way: whining, screaming, breath-holding, and pounding the floor. But if you never give into them, they will learn that it doesn't work. But DO NOT punish a child for crying or expressing feelings. Later, spend time holding the child, hugging and telling him that you love him.

4. Teach your children to entertain themselves. Children can be taught to rescue themselves from boredom. It is not necessary for you to spend several hours a day entertaining them. Provide blocks for younger children, Legos for building, dolls, toy cars, airplanes, houses, etc. Keep magazines and books close by. Be sure to schedule time for meaningful interaction with each child, each day. Homework, of course, is vital to academic progress. If you find your children constantly hanging on to you and demanding attention, challenge them to invent their own play. When you send a child on her way to find something useful to do, you are actually doing her a favor. Chores, outdoor games, interacting with neighborhood children will help them learn independence.

5. Teach your child to wait. Children are naturally impulsive. They often demand immediate attention: "Daddy, help me tie my shoe." "Danny, I am talking on the telephone right now. I will help you with your shoes in five minutes." This is good training. Patience is a learned behavior. Do not allow your children to interrupt conversations. "Sarah, Mrs. Brown and I are talking and you must not interrupt. Please wait quietly until we are through." If you give in to their demands, they will not learn patience. This, of course, takes time. Delaying gratification is best learned very young.

6. Do not rescue your children from the normal challenges of life. Homework, for instance, is the child's responsibility. Naturally, they will try to get you to do it for them. If you do, they will not learn to persevere. There are times, of course, when they will need your help to solve a problem. "Tommy, after you have worked on that math problem for five minutes and you still can't solve it, then come to me and I will help you." Be supportive and let them know that you are available. But allow them to struggle and learn on their own.

7. Do not allow children to dominate your time. A child's wants and whims can dominate a parent's time--so budget your time. A child spells LOVE: T-I-M-E, but too much time can be counter productive. Spend quality time each day with each child. Playing on the floor is exciting and rewarding. Character-building stories just before bedtime, with lots of touching and closeness, is especially meaningful. But, take time to nurture your marriage as well as your children. Distinguish between your child's needs and his wants. *(Adapted from Barton Schmitt, MD, Child, Mar. 1993.)

"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Prov. 22:6, KJV). This demands patience and love. As we work with our children we will gain insights into God's way with us. He is always patient but firm. So parents and children can grow together.