"George, stop hitting Patricia! Now give me that stick!" George, age six, was playing in a sand box with his cousin, Patricia, age four. Things had gone fairly well until Patricia decided that it was her turn to play with the big red dump truck, so she took it. The conflict soon went from verbal exchanges to blows.

Later that evening, Mary, George's mother, talked to him about the rule: "We do not hit others." "Hitting other people is not the way to solve problems," she said. "We ask, but we do not hit. We have talked about this rule many times, but you do not seem to remember." "I'm sorry, Mommy. I promise to remember next time." "Well, George, I am glad you are sorry but there will be consequences--no television tonight."

Mary was a conscientious mother. She could not understand why George did not remember the rules. She needed to take a different approach. George needs to listen to his conscience instead of acting impulsively. He needs to be aware of the feelings of others.

Consider this parenting option: "George, can you tell when Patricia is happy?" George paused for a few moments and then said, "Yes, I can tell." "Well, how can you tell?" "It's very simple. When I see her look like this," (He made a smiley face), "I know she is happy." "Do you enjoy seeing Patricia happy?" asked Mother. "Of course, I like to make others happy. It's fun." "Well, Patricia and her mother and daddy are coming over next Saturday night. If you really like to see Patricia happy, how can you find out what makes her happy?" "That's easy, I'll just ask her what she would like to do. I could give her a choice like: `Would you like to play on the swings, or would you rather watch television?'" "Now, you are really thinking," said Mary. "I'm really proud of you. Finding out what makes others happy is like being a detective. You watch their faces and pay attention to the tone of their voice. If you observe carefully, you can usually discover what they are thinking about. You learn secrets about people so you can make them happy."

The relationship between George and Patricia went fairly well that Saturday night. There was none of the usual arguing and, of course, Mary was delighted with the outcome.

Michael Schuman and Eva Mekler, in their book: Bringing Up a Moral Child, discuss the principles involved in helping children to care about the feelings of others.

"Teaching a child to observe others in a sympathetic way can be a regular part of his or her moral lessons--not only when some conflict occurs....You can teach your child to perceive another person sympathetically, as a life to be enhanced, and not merely as an object to be used or manipulated. ..So start by making sure your youngster understands that other people have feelings and desires just as he does, and that these deserve consideration equal to his own....

"You can start teaching your child to be sensitive to other people's feelings during his second and third year. Even two-year-olds understand that other people have feelings, and by four a child can be quite good at recognizing situations that make people happy, sad, angry, and afraid. By that age a child is certainly capable of recognizing that his own behavior can make people feel good or bad. The more you focus your child on people's feelings, the more likely his own natural empathy will be aroused and the more helpful he'll want to be. This desire to be helpful will, in turn, stimulate his interest in learning even more about people since, by the age of five, children understand that to be `a good helper' you have to know what a person needs." Bringing Up a Moral Child, pp.27, 28.

Teaching children the importance of observing and caring for the needs of others does not in any way detract from the importance of clearly stated rules and consequences for misbehavior. Rules need to be reasonable, clear, consistent, and forcefully and persistently stated. Children naturally want to please parents. And if the relationship between the child and the parent is warm and loving, the child will be very anxious to please. Eventually he will hear the little voice inside saying, "We do not hit people."

So we see that love wins. "Love is patient, love is kind" (1 Cor. 13:4). Be sure to express appreciation for their efforts to be empathetic. Tell them that this is of great value to you, and that it makes you happy to see them empathize with others.