It was a tough school in a deprived neighborhood. Tom, 14, had just finished a math test. He passed Luke in the hall. "I saw you cheat, Tom," he said. "Don't deny it. I saw you." Tom had a quick temper and was always ready for a fight. He was about to confront Tom and punch him in the face, when he suddenly stopped, looked down, turned around, and as he walked away he said, "I'll see you later about this." This was a fight that never happened. Why? Because Tom had attended a class called, "Self Science." He remembered a formula for impulse control. The teacher described it as the "red light, yellow light, and green light" method for handling strong feelings.

RED LIGHT (Stop)--When you feel a strong urge to lash out or hit someone. STOP, CALM DOWN. Think before you act. Give yourself time. You can not reason rationally when you are very angry. You can save yourself much trouble later by finding a better solution.

YELLOW LIGHT (Caution)-- Get by yourself and describe the problem out loud to yourself. Name your feelings. "I am very angry at Luke. I did not cheat. I feel like hitting him, but perhaps there is a better way to solve this problem without violence. If I start a fight I could be suspended because I've been in lots of fights before. If I just try to forget it, I will always remember it and the feeling will never go away. Or, I could talk to him alone and ask him to tell me what he saw--I'm sure I could explain it."

GREEN LIGHT (Go)--Tom decided to talk to Luke alone and ask him quietly to tell what he saw. "I would have an opportunity to tell Luke the truth. I can take the responsibility for this action without getting into serious trouble."

Dr. Daniel Goleman said, "All emotions are, in essence, impulses to act....The very root of the word emotion is motere, the Latin verb `to move' plus the prefix 'e-' to connote 'move away,'...In a very real sense we have two minds, one that thinks and one that feels." Emotional Intelligence, pp. 6, 8.

Helping children develop emotional skills, using the above formula, could be a lifelong blessing. Other emotions, such as fear, sadness, disgust, disappointment can be handled the same way. A big challenge for children and youth is to build a vocabulary for labeling their feelings. The key ingredients to emotional skills are:

"Identifying and labeling feelings

Expressing feelings

Accessing the intensity of feelings

Managing feelings

Delaying gratification

Controlling impulses

Reducing stress

Knowing the difference between feelings and actions."--Ibid, p. 301.

"Of all the moods that people want to escape, rage seems to be the most intransigent;...anger is the mood people are worst at controlling. Indeed, anger is the most seductive of the negative emotions; the self-righteous inner monologue that propels it along fills the mind with the most convincing arguments for venting rage. Unlike sadness, anger is energizing, even exhilarating." Ibid, p. 59.

"Only in recent years has there emerged a scientific model of the emotional mind that explains how so much of what we do can be emotionally driven--how we can be so reasonable at one moment and so irrational the next....The emotional mind is far quicker than the rational mind, springing into action without pausing even a moment to consider what it is doing....When the dust settles, or even in mid-response, we find ourselves thinking, 'What did I do that for?'--a sign that the rational mind is awakening to the moment, but not with the rapidity of the emotional mind...." Ibid, pp. 291-292.

THE PLACE OF PRAYER Psychological formulas like the above are helpful, but children and youth will never be truly successful in handling their feelings without the power of the Holy Spirit. Teach them to take their angry feelings to God in prayer and articulate them to Him. Share your experience--how you found help in prayer to deal with negative emotions. Teach them that there is nothing too hard for God to handle. James and John, sons of thunder, became meek and lowly followers of Jesus. Fellowship with the Son of God made the difference. "By steadfastly keeping the will on the Lord's side, every emotion will be brought into captivity to the will of Jesus."--Messages to Young People, p. 153.

Stop!. . . Caution!. . . . Go!