Revised 2006

Divorce and Blended Families

Divorce is an ugly word—a deadly disease in society and in the church. It is not pleasant to talk about but it is unrealistic and irresponsible to avoid the issue. Divorce statistics—one divorce for every two marriages—is not much better in the Seventh-day Adventist church than in society. I believe that most marriages can be rescued, happiness achieved, and marriage partners can become stronger for the effort. But this will demand marriage counseling and spiritual discipline for both parties. Usually selfishness is the chief culprit in a marriage breakup—"My self-fulfillment comes first!" God said, "I hate divorce" (Mal. 2:16, NIV). And for good reason. Children are caught in the middle and always damaged. But sometimes divorce is the lesser of the two evils. However, children can and do survive divorce.

The trauma of divorce can be reduced:

1. Keep the children in familiar surroundings—their home if possible.
2. Explain divorce to your children because they cannot fathom the idea. "Remember how you and Sarah were once good friends? . . . ."
3. Talk only about the positive traits of the other parent. Don't continue the war.
4. Reassure the children. "Mother (or Father) loves you and will never leave you."
5. Interact with your children: "This divorce is not your fault. You need not feel responsible or guilty." "I know you are hurting, so am I. Would you like to tell me how you feel?"
6. Visitation rights: Be courteous and pleasant. Try to agree on a regular, yet flexible, visitation. Be sure your children have regular contact with the non-custodial parent.
7. Don't carry a load of guilt toward God or toward your children. God will forgive.
8. Don't allow children to pit one parent against the other. They are good at such games.
9. Avoid role reversal: Children should not be expected to supply your needs.

"Divorce, like amputation, is a soul-shaking experience to all involved. To parents it represents an end to many cherished dreams and aspirations. To children it may seem like the end of the world. Amidst the bitterness and confusion of a family break-up, parents must choose the course least damaging to their children.

"The worst that parents can do is to use a child as a weapon of revenge against one another. The feelings are raw, the opportunity is there, and the temptation is tremendous. The other parent may be blamed and maligned, and the children may be forced or induced to take sides in virulent battles over loyalty, custody, money, education, and visits. The effect on children can be disastrous.

"The best that divorced parents can do is to continue to be parents, although no longer husband and wife. It is not an easy arrangement, since it requires a semblance of cordiality amidst bitterness and enmity. . . As Dr. J. Louise Despert states in her book Children of Divorce: 'A man and woman may have been unable to make a success of their marriage. But they can yet make a success of divorce. With effort . . . wisdom and guidance . . . they can make of their divorce the maturing experience which their marriage has failed to be.'" Dr. Haim G. Ginott, Between Parent & Child, pp. 242.

Blended Families: Linda and Frank had both lost their spouses by death. Two years passed and they began dating. It looked like a picture -book solution. Frank had two children and Linda, three—all between the ages of three and twelve. Their expectations were high. They thought that everything would be beautiful and that the families would blend together in blissful harmony. But they had a rude awakening. The children were always fighting— along blood lines. Few children from broken homes—whether by divorce or death—adapt easily to stepparents. Being a stepparent is a very difficult tight rope to walk. Children are often hostile to the "invasion" of a stepparent. A stepparent will find that it is difficult, if not impossible, to love a stepchild as much as a natural child. And the natural parent, of course, can pull rank: so the stepparent will have to strike a balance of being a parent and a non-parent. It will take much prayer, lots of sympathetic listening, loads of unselfishness, and many "family councils." But success is possible.

One thing to remember: You cannot insist on love. All you can do is let it grow. Love must be earned and this takes time.
You will have to deal with jealousy, conflict of loyalties, confusion, withdrawal, and frustration. Sit down together and establish rules, responsibilities, and clearly state the consequences and rewards.

Be sure to present a unified front. "Johnny, your mother and I have talked it over and this is what we have decided." Regular family devotions will help a great deal. Talk often about how you are getting along as a blending family.

Attend parenting classes, read good books. If necessary, join a support group. And remember, God is equal to any parental situation. Pray together, stay together, and spread the love around.