Revised 2006

How To Be Your Child's Constructive Critic

Ron Taffel, a psychologist, tells of visiting in a home of a friend one evening for a dinner party. Five children, ranging from ages of one and a half to eight years, provided an interesting laboratory in parent-child interaction. He counted the number of times the children were admonished, corrected, or criticized during the course of the evening. Most of the comments were about usual things: "Keep your shoes off the davenport," "Say 'please'," "Now thank Dr. Taffel for the nice gift," "Talk quietly," "Don't run in the house"--he counted 42 such comments in the course of the evening. (Ron Taffel, McCall's, Jan 1993.)

Mother suggested that eight-year-old Charles write a "thank you" letter to his grandmother for the nice birthday gift that he had received from her. He willingly sat down at the table and began to write. About 15 minutes later he proudly brought his letter to his mother. "Charles, what kind of a letter is this? Look at the sagging lines and the eraser smears. And I see three misspelled words. You can do much better than this! Now go and write another letter." Charles was devastated, but he took another piece of paper and sat down to write. Five minutes later, frustrated and discouraged, he threw the paper and pencil on the floor and ran to his room. (Adapted from Rudolf Dreikurs, Children: The Challenge, p. 106.)

An emphasis on mistakes is destructive and counterproductive. Charles' mother was trying to help him. But pointing out mistakes in a negative way is not the way to help children improve. Grandmother would have been delighted with the letter--misspelled words and all. Charles' mother could have commented on his thoughtfulness and the appreciative spirit of his letter. She might have found some well-formed letters and mentioned other positive aspects of the letter and then suggested that he get a dictionary and check the spelling of the three words. Charles would have been pleased and glad to correct the spelling and would not have felt put-down.

Karen, ten, burst into tears as she took her cookies out of the oven-- they were burnt to a crisp. Mother, hearing her crying and smelling the burnt food, came to the kitchen. "Mom, I followed the directions carefully and now look at my cookies!" "I'm sorry, Karen. I know you are very disappointed. Let's read the directions again and see if we can discover what went wrong." So they read the directions together and Karen discovered that she had not set the timer on the oven correctly. "Well, let's try it again. And don't worry about the burned cookies." Here is a wise mother who turned a disaster into a learning situation.

"When a child is repeatedly told by his parents or teachers that he is stupid, he comes to believe it. He starts thinking of himself as such. He then gives up intellectual efforts, feeling that his escape from ridicule lies in avoiding contest and competition. His safety hinges on not trying. His motto in life becomes: 'If I don't try, I can't fail.' " Dr. Haim Ginott, Between Parent and Child, p. 55.

Dr. Ron Taffel suggests a few ways to be a constructive critic of your children:

1. Use diplomacy. Criticize the act, not the child. State what you want the child to do, not what you want her to stop doing. Then remember to affirm the child for good behavior more often than you criticize.
2. When talking to small children, get down to eye level and talk directly to them so they can see your full face. Talk kindly, but firmly. In many cases this will double their positive response rate.
3. Pay attention to the tone of your voice. Remember the "kind but firm rule," and vary your tone of voice from a demanding one to a tender one--depending on the seriousness of the situation. Sometimes loud commands are necessary: "Stop hitting your sister!" But, if your style is predictively hysterical, they will tune you out.
4. Remember that the purpose of criticism is to teach. No one learns who is upset emotionally. Preschoolers might learn from such questions as: "How would you feel if your 15-year-old brother were beating on you?"

"Never speak in a harsh, unsympathetic tone; for words spoken in this manner grate upon the ear; wear upon the nerves, cause mental suffering, and create a state of mind that makes it impossible to curb the temper of the child. . . This is often the reason why children speak disrespectfully to parents. . . . Impatience in the parents excites impatience in the children. Passion manifested by the parents creates passion in the children and stirs up the evils of their nature. . . . Every time they lose self-control and speak and act impatiently, they sin against God. . . . It is not necessary to resort to harsh measures; a firm, steady hand and a kindness which convinces the child of your love will accomplish the purpose. . . . Great harm is done by a lack of firmness and decision. . . If a child is treated in a quiet, kind manner, it will do much to preserve in him a pleasant temper. . . The father, as priest of the household, should deal gently and patiently with his children." Child Guidance, pp. 282, 283, 286.