REVISED 2005

Love With Limits

"A family without limits, where right and wrong are not defined and enforced, is like a bridge without a guard rail" (John Bradshaw).

Structure is as necessary as love. Real love includes limits. In fact it isn't love unless there are limits. When an eleven-year-old controls the house, there is no peace. A child left to his whims, feelings, and impulses is being victimized. "To allow a child to follow his natural impulses is to allow him to deteriorate and to become proficient in evil. . . Wise rules and regulations must be made and enforced, that the beauty of the home life may not be spoiled." Child Guidance, p. 234.

CONSISTENCY

According to Dr. Kevin Leman: "The worst destroyer of children's self-image is authoritarianism, followed closely by permissiveness. The most typical scenario, however, is a permissive/authoritarian seesaw." Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down, p. 134. Many parents have a desperate need to be loved by their children so they do not enforce the rules. These parents, "after being provoked beyond the limits of their patience, . . . crack down with authoritarian fury." Dr. Leman calls this "the yo-yo syndrome." "The children are constantly jerked up and down, and back and forth, between one approach and the other. . . There must be a balance between love and limits. It isn't love unless there are limits, and it certainly isn't love if all parents do is limit the children, making all the decisions and attempting to control their every move." Ibid., p. 135.

Remember, our objective is self government. And we should treat our children as intelligent beings. Explain your rule to the child: "David, we will buy this bicycle for you on one condition, that you promise to always wear your helmet when you are riding. Do you know why we want you to wear your helmet? Thousands of children are killed or seriously injured every year when riding bicycles. We love you and we don't want you to get hurt. That's why we have this rule." Parents who really love their children will learn how to say "'No' in no uncertain terms." "No" means different things to different people according to Erma Brombeck. "To a child, 'No' is a noun, a negative response to anything that smacks of a good time, happiness, a future or a reason to live. To a parent, 'No' is an adverb used to express denial, refusal, fear, rationale, protection and love." Sit down and explain to your child the meaning of "No." "It means I love you enough to want you to have as smooth a journey through life as possible. I don't pretend to know where all the chuckholes are, but I've fallen in a few, and I want to save you from doing the same thing." This Week Magazine, Nov. 9. 1994.

CONSEQUENCES

Every broken rule should have a consequence. "David, if you fail to put on your helmet, even once, we will take your bicycle away for two days. Now, please tell me what the consequences will be if you fail to wear your helmet?"

Of course, children will test you and test the limits. But if you are consistent, firm, and kind, pretty soon they will get the message and their behavior will change for the better.

DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH

"Sara, its time to pick up your toys and put them in the box." Sara puts two or three toys in the box. She then proceeds to play with her favorite doll. "Sara, please pick up your toys. I will help you. Let's see how fast we can do it." It is unrealistic to expect a three-year-old to pick up many toys and put them in a box by herself. When she is five years old, this will not be an unrealistic request.

Rules should always be adjusted to the age and developmental characteristics of the child.

"RULES WITHOUT RELATIONSHIP LEADS TO REBELLION."

These words by Josh McDowell are extremely important. "Invoking limits without communicating love not only erodes a child's sense of self-worth, it drives a bigger and bigger wedge between the two of you." Leman, Op cit, p. 155. It is so easy to become stern and authoritarian. Have fun with your children. Plan unexpected surprises. Play games on the floor and listen to them. If you communicate love only when your child is good and performs well, and you are stern at other times, your child will not feel completely loved.

Setting limits and enforcing them with love and tact will enhance rather than deteriorate relationships. Tough love is an important ingredient in building relationships with children.