Encouragement: The Key to Self-Worth & Motivation

"What's wrong with Betty? She seems to have lost interest in school and spiritual things. And she is becoming more and more rebellious." "Pete hangs back and makes excuses about not wanting to get involved in games." "Sue tries so hard to be the life of the party." "Kenneth brags a lot and enjoys pushing smaller children around."

The common denominator of these stories may well be discouragement and a low sense of self-worth. Authorities in child development say that most negative behavior stems from discouragement. A healthy sense of self-esteem is the key to being a productive and cooperative person. "Encouragement is the kind of expression that helps someone want to be a better Christian, even when life is rough." Lawrence J. Crabb, Jr. & Dan B. Allender, Encouragement, p. 10.

What do we mean by self-worth? Well, it is really how a person feels about himself. It represents his overall judgment about himself as a person. Dorothy Briggs says, "High self-esteem is not a noisy conceit. It is a quiet sense of self respect, a feeling of self-worth. . . .With high self-esteem you don't waste time and energy impressing others; you already know you have value. . . . Your child's judgment of himself influences the kinds of friends he chooses, how he gets along with others, the kind of person he marries, and how productive he will be. It affects his creativity, integrity, stability, and even whether he will be a leader or a follower. His feelings of self-worth form the core of his personality and determines the use he makes of his aptitudes and abilities. . . .In fact, self-esteem is the mainspring that slates every child for success or failure as a human being. . . . [and] the mainspring for motivation." Your Child's Self-Esteem, p. 3.

When a baby is born he has no sense of self as a person. As time goes on, his or her mind absorbs thousands of little impressions. Father bounces little Charles on his knee and with a big smile says, "He's all boy." Sue hears her grandmother say, "Isn't she a doll?" Dan overhears his mother say, "He just never sits still. I don't know what I am going to do with him. He drives me up the wall!" Pete hears his dad say, "Why are you so clumsy and uncoordinated?" Mother says, "You're too little. Let mother do it." Parents are psychological mirrors. Children accept uncritically their parents' evaluation. Every child values himself or herself to the degree that he or she is valued.

Suggestions: Here are a few suggestions for helping your children develop a healthy sense of self-respect:

1. Help your child compensate. Help your children find their natural abilities and capitalize on them.
2. Help your child compete. Help him or her to become as attractive as possible. But teach them about true values such as love, kindness, integrity, truthfulness, and devotion to God.
3. Discipline with respect. Be careful about corporal punishment.
4. Avoid over-protection. Help children to make as many choices as possible. (Condensed from James Dobson, Hide or Seek, pp. 47-137.)

Affirm good behavior. "Catch the child being good," then praise him or her: "You did a good job, George. Thank you very much." "Susie, you were so careful when you carried your milk. Thank you." Encourage the development of skills that are sequentially and psychologically paced to permit success. Focus on strengths and assets. And, of course, the most important thing is a Christian faith. A child who believes in his heart that God sent Jesus to be his Savior and that Jesus died for him, will see himself as God sees him--of enormous value. Ask your child to write six things about him or herself that he or she would not want to lose or give away. Ask them to list at least four skills they know that they have.

Teens are allergic to sermons. Why do parents feel the need to lecture children? "We love them," you say. Yes, but it also gives us a feeling of superiority. We have had years of experience. We want to help them avoid pitfalls. We remember the mistakes we made as we were growing up." This is good and teens need guidance. Don't lecture or preach! But tell stories--share your experiences. "I remember when I was 17. I liked this girl but she was not good for me. I knew that she was not a Christian, so I stopped dating her. It was the best choice I ever made as I look back on those dangerous days. Share your life stories. Tell about good and bad choices. Tell how Jesus helped you. Be open, be honest.

"The significance of encouragement is far too little recognized. . . . So crucial is the factor of encouragement, that once its significance is recognized, it may actually revolutionize educational procedures in our families and in our schools. For this reason, the process of encouragement must be carefully and thoroughly explored and our teachers, in particular, acquainted with the full scope of this highly powerful corrective technique." Don Dinkmeyer & Rudolph Dreikurs, Encouraging Children To Learn, pp. 1-3.

"Encourage one another and build each other up...Encourage the timid, help the weak. . ." (1 Thess. 5:11, 14, NIV).