Revised 2005

There's an African proverb that says: "It takes a whole village to rear a child." True, parenting responsibilities rest primarily upon fathers and mothers, but it doesn't end there. In most cultures the job is shared by older siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, church and community. The Apostle Paul, speaking of Timothy, said: "I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also" (2 Tim. 1:5, NIV). Yes, a grandparent can have a powerful influence for good on a young life. Here are a few suggestions on the art of Grandparenting.

1. Support the parents. Often children come to grandparents for sympathy when they have been reprimanded by parents. We may be tempted to say: "Oh, you poor dear, I am so sorry for you." A better response would be "reflective listening." "I see you are upset with your father. Punishment is hard to take, isn't it? But remember, your father loves you and is trying to help you." Grandparents should listen with full attention and acknowledge feelings. A child who hears a word describing what he/she is experiencing is comforted. It is easy to give advice, but grandparents who are good listeners can better help children work through their problems. When we accept children's feelings, they are better enabled to accept the limits we set for them.

2. Physical contact. Small children need lots of holding, rocking, and touching. Grandparents can be a great help in meeting a hunger that all children have—"skin hunger." Touching is as important for emotional development—for a child of any age—as food is for physical development. Jesus was a "toucher." He said: " 'Let the little children come to me. . . .' And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them" (Mark 10:14, 16, NIV). Small boys, especially, need lots of touching—"boy-style" physical contact such as playful wrestling, "give-me-five." Research points up the fact that little girls receive much more physical affection than boys. This is one reason why young boys (three years to adolescence) have many more emotional problems than girls. "Five to six times as many boys as girls are seen by psychiatric clinics around the country." (Ross Campbell, M.D., How To Really Love Your Child, p. 54.)

Everybody loves to hug a dainty little girl, but little boys often suffer from touch deprivation. So grandparents, let's give these boys the emotional nurturing they need.

3. Tell stories. Every child loves a story. A story on Grandma or Grandpa's lap is always a treat. Grandchildren will thoroughly enjoy hearing about simple things—like life on the farm with the cows, the horses, the chickens. Tell about the times when you got into trouble and what you learned from your mistakes. Get out the family picture album and talk about great-grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. Every child needs to know his roots.

4. Plan surprises. I remember my paternal grandmother. When she came to visit, she always brought something as a surprise. It usually wasn't very expensive but it was something we looked forward to and it helped to build the bonds of love. Once my grandfather took me to the county fair and we spent the whole day looking at animals and enjoying being together. It is precious moments like these that your grandchildren will never forget.

5. Talk about Jesus. If Jesus is truly your Friend, you can introduce Him to your grandchildren. Perhaps your children are not attending church, but they will allow you to take your grandchildren to Sabbath School. Tell them about how God has helped you in times of need. Tell about answered prayer and the ways God intervened in your life. And don't forget to tell about the time you gave your heart to Jesus and was baptized. These impressions will stay with them for a lifetime.

Our challenge as grandparents is to build strong bonds of friendship with our grandchildren. Differences are bound to arise in families. Some grandparents have a difficult time accepting different methods of parenting. For instance: corporal punishments. This was the primary method 50 years ago but today it is used less frequently. But strong bonds of love between grandparents and their children and grandchildren will well outlast most anything.

"Lillian Carson, a clinical psychologist and author, argues that the basic role of grandparents hasn't changed significantly—even though their lifestyles today are very different from those of previous generations. 'Being an effective grandparent still means offering unconditional love,' she notes. 'And it still means providing a role model for a good life, transmitting knowledge of the family's history and offering stability even—or especially—when the shape of the family isn't a traditional one.'" "The Fine Art of Grandparenting," The Nation, July-Aug 2000.

Society is beginning to acknowledge the benefits of bringing together the old and the young. We older adults have a lifetime of rich experiences to share. And we have a certain way of nurturing young children that no one else can have. So let's do it! Happy Grandparenting!