Revised 2004

Kids Hate Lectures: Try These Alternatives

A ONE-WORD STATEMENT:

This approach has helped many parents. For instance: The child leaves the door open and you say, "Door," or, the dog needs to be put out: The word "Dog," or "Dishes," etc. This is a lot better than the usual lecture. And remember it is perfectly legitimate to state how you feel: "When you leave the door open, it cools down the house. It costs money to heat the house."

EXPLORING ALTERNATIVES IS BETTER THAN GIVING ADVICE:

1. Advice does not help children learn to solve their own problems. It invites them to depend on you. Many children resist advice.
2. Exploring alternatives means to assist the child in identifying and considering the options available to solve a problem. It means to help the child evaluate possible solutions and obtain a commitment to action.
3. First, use reflective listening to understand and clarify the child's feelings.
4. Explore alternatives through brain storming: "If you are interested in getting along better with your teacher, what are some things you could do?"
5. Assist the child in choosing a solution: "Which idea do you think is the best one?"
6. Discuss the probable outcome: "What do you think would happen if you were to . . . ?"
7. Obtain a commitment: "What have you decided to do?"
8. Appropriate timing is essential. Don't rush the process.

(Adapted from Dinkmeyer & McKay, The Parent's Handbook, pp. 57-61.)

CONSIDER THIS OPTION IN PLACE OF PUNISHMENT:

Express your feelings strongly: "I'm very angry that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain." State your expectation: "When you borrow my tools I expect you to return them promptly and in good condition. Now I have a suggestion: what this saw needs is a little steel wool and a lot of hard rubbing. . . and a light coat of oil will protect it from rusting. In the future remember to put my tools back in the tool box. Thank you."

How you say it is just as important as what you say. Love and caring must be expressed sincerely. Try to convey that your child is basically lovable, but right now we have a problem. Messages such as: "stupid, careless, irresponsible," are self-fulfilling prophecies--they will live up to the label.

Changing response habit patterns will take considerable concentration. Listen to yourself. Yelling or giving orders only raises resistance.

(The above material was adapted from Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.)

Adele Faber says, "Our purpose is to speak to what is best in our children--their intelligence, their initiative, their sense of responsibility, their sense of humor, their ability to be sensitive to the needs of others." Ibid, p. 87. Remember, our children are not robots. They are human beings. If you respect them, they will respect you.

If we look at them with disgust when they disappoint us, they get the message: "You don't really love me." There is a better way to show disapproval. And remember, looks can speak volumes. Try something like this: "I love you but you have disappointed me. You can do better than that." A better way to handle irresponsibility or misbehavior: "Let's sit down and talk. . ." "Can you explain your behavior?"

"Larry, you are basically a good boy but sometimes you are careless and thoughtless. The way you treated your little sister surprised me. Do not ever strike your sister again. There are better ways to solve problems." We want to help our children see themselves in a positive light.

Humor sometimes relieves a tense situation. It helps children to see their parents as pleasant people, nice to be around. Use the word, "Please" frequently. It helps take the sting out of stern commands. If a child continues to jump on the sofa after a courteous "please stop jumping," in a firm voice say, "STOP"! Some of our expectations are unrealistic and seem crazy to children. Tom's parents are very strict about table manners. He thinks asking for permission to leave the table when he has finished eating is a silly rule. Some of our adult expectations probably do seem strange to an eight-year-old boy. Expecting perfect table manners from a six-year-old is unrealistic. Constant criticism for minor infractions can be damaging.

When asked to cut the lawn, Larry, 12 years old, usually says, "Sure Dad, later." But he never gets around to cut the lawn so his father said, "I'd feel better if I knew what 'later' means." And then expect a reasonable response.

"If parents desire their children to be pleasant, they should never speak to them in a scolding manner. . . If a child is treated in a quiet, kind manner, it will do much to preserve in him a pleasant temper. . . . The father as priest of the household should deal gently and patiently with his children. He should be careful not to arouse in them a combative disposition." Child Guidance, pp. 286.