Revised 2004

Talk So Your Children Will Listen And Listen So They Will Talk

There is a direct connection between how children feel and how they behave. How can we help them to feel right? By accepting their feelings. Child: "I don't like the new baby." Parent: "Why Sammy, you don't really feel that way. You know in your heart you love your baby sister." A denial of a child's feelings can confuse and enrage him/her. It also teaches them not to know their feelings--and not to trust them. Example: Child: "That was a dumb birthday party you had." Parent: "Why Sam, how can you say that. I went to a lot of work to put on this birthday party for you."

TO HELP WITH FEELINGS:

1. Listen with full attention;
2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word--"Oh,". . , "Mmm," . . , "I see."
3. Give their feelings a name. Example: Child: "My turtle is dead! He was alive this morning." Parent: "Oh, that is a terrible shock!" Child: "He was my friend." Parent: "To lose a friend can hurt." Child: "I taught him to do tricks." Parent: "You two had fun together. You really cared about your turtle." Child: "I fed him everyday."

Parents don't usually give this kind of response to children because they fear that by giving a name to their feelings they will make it worse. In fact, the opposite is true. The child who hears a word describing what he is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged his internal experience.

We deny the child's feelings without thinking about it. We might say, "There's no reason to be so upset. It's rather foolish to feel that way, isn't it? You are probably just tired and blowing the whole thing out of proportion. It can't be as bad as that. Come on, smile." Then there is the philosophical response: "Life is like that. You might as well get used to it. Tomorrow we will buy a new turtle." Or we may ask a question, or give undue pity such as: "Oh, you poor thing. That's terrible! I feel so sorry." By identifying the feelings and by listening with your full attention and with your heart you set the healing processes at work.

The hardest part is to listen the child out and then give a name to the feelings. It takes concentration. Use such words as: "You sound very angry," or "It must have been a great disappointment to you," or "It sounds as if you resent all the homework," or "That must have been very frustrating . . . ," etc. Hold off giving advice as tempting as it may be. Children don't need to have their feelings agreed with, they just need to have them acknowledged. This is not permissiveness, it is simply saying that all feelings are permitted. When we accept our children's feelings they are much more able to accept the limits we set for them. This is the first step in solving more difficult problems. Your goal is to tune in on what the child is really feeling. Remember, that your empathy must be genuine.

HOW TO ENGAGE A CHILD'S COOPERATION:

1. Describe what you see or describe the problem. For instance: "There is a wet wash cloth on the bed."
2. Give information: "The wash cloth is getting my blanket wet."
3. If no response say emphatically: "The wash cloth!"
4. Describe how you feel: "I don't want to sleep in a wet bed."
5. You might write a note above the towel rack: "Please put me back so I can dry. Thank you. Your wash cloth."

THE POWER OF LISTENING:

The listening heart provides parents with awesome power. It "is the supreme communication skill," says Dr. John Drakeford. The Awesome Power of the Listening Heart, p. 15. But listening is difficult for parents because it runs against our natural self-centered tendencies. Listening--especially to children--takes humility, openness, and "agape" love. Yes, listening can be a powerful influence for good. When you truly listen you smooth the way for the child "to say something to himself." Ibid, p. 29.

LISTENING LEVELS:

"Listening is a multi sensory experience by which these sensory impressions are given and received in a variety of ways.

1. Body-listening (total),
2. Third-ear-listening (intuition),
3. Tactile-listening (touching),
4. Hand-listening (gesturing),
5. Head-listening (positioning),
6. Ear-listening (focused hearing),
7. Eye-listening (looking)." Ibid, p. 54.

So listening with your heart means listening with your total person. The greatest gift you can give your child is your complete FOCUSED ATTENTION.

"A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver" Proverbs 25:11, NIV