REVISED 2004

Single Parenting

Now, it's just you and your children. You didn't plan it this way. But it is a sad reality. Separation by death or divorce are two of life's greatest tragedies.

Loneliness was Sue's biggest battle. It seemed to sweep over her like waves of the ocean. Her solution? She kept busy. But then there were the children's questions: "Mom, why did Daddy leave us? When is he coming home?" This pierces your heart and causes a lump in your throat. You recognize that there is a natural grieving process so you let the tears flow and take it all to Jesus. The bitterness trap was one of Sue's most difficult hurdles. "Lord, help me to forgive Larry, even as you forgave those who crucified You." As she prayed, gradually the resentment drained away.

Sue realized that she had a double role--acting as both mother and father. So she purchased several books on single parenting. The book Child Guidance by Ellen White was her favorite. It brought such comfort to her to know that Christ was right by her side. Another fine book was, How to Really Love Your Child, by Dr. Ross Campbell, a child psychiatrist. Dr. Campbell talks much about unconditionally love. "What is unconditional love? Unconditional love is loving a child no matter what. No matter what the child looks like. No matter what his assets, liabilities, handicaps" (p. 30). If we love our children only when they please us and we convey love when they are acting nice, they will feel that they are loved conditionally. But if we love them unconditionally they will feel good about themselves and better able to control their behavior.

Every child has an "emotional tank." When the tank is full children function well. How do we keep this tank full? Dr. Campbell gives us some suggestions.

Eye Contact - Provide lots of eye contact. This means looking directly into a child's eyes. A child is most attentive when we look in his/her eyes. This can be a continual love-giving process. When you use this, you will be surprised at its powerful effect.

Physical Contact - Touching is another powerful tool. It is as simple as a hand on the shoulder, a gentle poke in the ribs, or the tousling of the hair. Do this many times a day. Boys need this more than girls. It is a way of communicating affection. Boys respond to playful wrestling, jostling, hand slapping--give me five.

Focused Attention - This means giving your child your complete undivided attention. They will know without a doubt that you really care and that you love him/her unconditionally. This is the most difficult of all parenting tasks but probably the most important. Children spell love: T-I-M-E. Each child needs at least 10 minutes of focused attention daily. "Tommy, let's sit here on the sofa and just visit for a few minutes. How was your day at school?" (Then listen.) The effect works like magic. Your discipline problems will greatly reduce--if you keep their tanks full. These methods really work if you are sincere and constant in your efforts. And they need to be reinforced with much prayer daily.

Unconditional love needs to be balanced by limits. Every household needs rules. Rules need to be carefully considered, explained, and often reviewed. "Tommy, what are our TV rules?" (Then listen.) Enforce your rules with a blend of firmness and kindness.

Provide Choices - Children will break rules. The usual response of parents is punishment--and there must be consequences. But it helps them to remember when the consequences are the logical outcome. If the child abuses TV, the natural consequence would be to take away television privileges. Natural and logical consequences help children to think before they act. A child refuses to put on mittens--cold hands are the logical consequences. If a child fails to come to dinner, a logical consequence is no food until the next meal.

"Tommy, I asked you 30 minutes ago to pick up your toys from the living room floor. You have not responded. There will be consequences. What do you choose: If I pick them up I will take away your logo blocks and your remote control car for one week. If you pick them up in the next two minutes while I stand here, that will be fine." One reason the children respond so well to this approach is that it forces them to think. Children are given options to consider. They must decide. Another reason that choices work so well is that they keep us from getting into control battles.

But you say, "Why take the time to offer choices?" Consider Ellen White's advice: "How will you successfully educate your children? Not by scolding, for it will do no good. Talk to your children as if you had confidence in their intelligence.... Every mother should take time to reason with her children, to correct their errors, and patiently teach them the right way." Child Guidance, p. 33.

Is single parenting a wilderness journey for you? It need not be. Following the above principles can lighten your load and make your journey a joy. Remember, you are not alone. God has said that "I will never leave you, nor forsake you.... Lo, I am with you always" (Heb. 13:5; Matt. 28:20).