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Charles H. Betz, Family Life Consultant, Oregon Conference of Seventh-day Adventists

Revised 2004

Smart Dads

"Dad, would you please play with me?" "Sorry, Dave. I'm just too tired tonight." Sadly, ten-year-old Dave turns away to find comfort and belonging with his street friends. Neglected children, especially by their fathers, is one of the tragedies of modern life. The mayhem in our cities caused by street gangs usually represents boys with missing or negligent fathers. They find acceptance among their peers.

The role of the father. Dr. Haim G. Ginott says that, "Masculinity cannot be acquired by a formal course of study. It may be learned in the course of daily life from a father who serves as a model. Freud stated, 'There is not any need in childhood as strong as that for a father's protection.'" Between Parent & Child, p. 201. A father provides the child with security. Ginott points to three danger areas: "The child needs protection against threats from the outer world, against fears from the inner world, and against overprotection by mother." Ibid. The child needs Dad's help to control internal fears and fantasies by being willing to listen to him. How can the child know that dreams will not become nightmares? Ginott says, "It is the father's function to provide the child with love that is more than merely sheltering, but is liberating as well. While mother's love conveys to the infant that he is lovable, father's confidence tells the child that he is competent. . .[The father serves] as a firm guide and friendly guardian." Ibid., p. 203.

Boys need activities that demand energy and muscular release. A curly headed boy may be attractive, but he is going to be called, "Sissy." This may have a negative affect on the boy's personality. "Family life provides ample opportunity to demonstrate to children the fundamental fact that men and women in their different roles need each other and need to take care of each other." Ibid., p. 205.

Girls, especially pre-teens, need lots of appropriate touching, and focused attention from their fathers. This helps her to think of herself as an "OK female." "Sexual identity is self-approval as a female, and a girl gets her sexual identity at that age primarily from her father." Dr. Ross Campbell, How to Really Love Your Child, p. 51.

Fathers should teach children to be useful. "One of the surest safeguards of the young is useful occupation. Children who are trained to industrious habits, so that all their hours are usefully and pleasantly employed, have no inclination to repine at their lot and no time for idle daydreaming. They are in little danger of forming vicious habits or associations.

"In the home school the children should be taught how to perform the practical duties of everyday life. While they are still young, the mother should give them some simple task to do each day. It will take longer for her to teach them how than it would to do it herself; but let her remember that she is to lay for their character building the foundation of helpfulness. Let her remember that the home is a school in which she is the head teacher. It is hers to teach her children how to perform the duties of the household quickly and skillfully. As early in life as possible they should be trained to share the burdens of the home. From childhood, boys and girls should be taught to bear heavier and still heavier burdens, intelligently helping in the work of the family firm." Counsels to Parents, Teachers, and Students, p. 122.

Separated parents­the father's role. Children need both a father and a mother at home, but sometimes this is not possible. Fathers must face the fact that they may not be able to have as close a relationship with their children as they would like. You will have to learn the role of "a weekend father." Dr. Kevin Leman says the weekend fathers should "avoid the temptation to let guilt drive [them] into being a 'Disneyland Daddy,' which means you give the kids everything they want while they're with you on weekends and seldom discipline them." Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down, p. 285. Talk with your ex-wife about forming a united front in discipling your children.

Separated fathers should become involved in their children's lives as much as possible. Attend their games: soccer, baseball, basket ball, etc. Whatever your children are doing, be there if possible. Share your life with your children. Tell them what you are doing at work. Share your history. Tell stories about your childhood-- humorous events and exciting things that happened to you. Tell them what you have learned about life and what you believe--but avoid preaching to them. Telephone them occasionally-- just to visit. "Tommy, I just called to tell you that I am thinking about you. Remember, your Dad loves you. How did your day go today?"

Leman says, "avoid triangles. . . don't make your children some kind of go-between to carry messages to your wife. . . and never bad mouth their mother, no matter how or what you feel." Ibid, p. 285. Tell your children often: "I am praying for you. Your father loves you and prays for you every day."

A smart dad is a wise father--"A wise son makes a father glad. . . . [and] the Lord gives wisdom. (Prov. 15:20; 2:6, NKJV).