The Right Relationship

by Richard T. D'Avanzo, Ph.D.

"So, Richard, how long do we have to wait to begin a new relationship?"

Excerpted from the book When The Vow Breaks, Chapter 7 – The Right Relationship

"So, Richard, how long do we have to wait to begin a new relationship?"

The sudden silence in the divorce recovery seminar told me Danny had hit on a hot-button issue. While not the topic for the evening, I had to address the group's concern.

"Well, Danny," I replied, "the quick answer is that you're ready for a new relationship when you no longer need one." Every face showed disappointment, so I continued. "I wish I could provide you a specific formula that would work for every situation. Many Christian counselors try to do Just that. The rule of thumb they go by is that you need one year of recovery for every four years of marriage.

Those who had previously looked disappointed now looked appalled as they worked the numbers in their heads. No one had expected such a lengthy time between relationships. I let the numbers sink in for a moment before I disagreed with my fellow counselors.

"Now let me explain why the conventional wisdom doesn't always work,"~ I said. "Our goal before remarriage or anything that might lead to it is not the passage of a certain amount of time but the attainment of a certain new relationship with God. This and this alone is what qualifies you for a new relationship, and this alone will give meaning and value to all you've been through and all you're gOing to go through. Before you consider developing a new relationship, it is absolutely imperative that you become a secure person in Christ. Allowing Him to fill your emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs will set you free from desperately needing someone else to fill them. This is what I meant when I said you must come to the place of not needing a relationship in order to be ready for one. Obtaining this experience is no easy task because, as you've already found out, it crosses our own will continuously. And it takes not only commitment but also time for God's work to become firmly rooted in us.

"That's why the formula I shared doesn't always work for everyone. If you've lost a twenty-year marriage, the conventional wisdom says you need five years to recover. However, if you're in a fulfilling relationship with God in, say, three years, you have no obligation to wait two more years. Likewise, if you lost your marriage after three years, following the standard formula of a nine-month recovery isn't likely to provide you nearly enough time to build a new relationship with God or to allow the submitting of your will to become a habit."

I left my group with much to think about that night. I couldn't help but ponder my own experience and also the experiences of the many people with whom I've been privileged to work. The problem most of us face after the devastating loss of a marriage is that the old ways in which we tried to meet our very legitimate human needs have failed. If we attempt to find another person to meet those needs before we deal with our past, we're almost certain to fall short of our heart's desire for lasting marital happiness.

Undoubtedly, some of you reading this may wonder why I'm even bringing up the subject of relationships when you probably haven't even recovered from your present one. I know I felt that way. One part of me cried out "No way'" to the idea of a new relationship. But I also felt so empty that the other part yearned to love someone. Someone who would love me, and the sooner the better!

I believe the Creator who designed us placed this yearning in our heart. The desire to be validated, to feel loved, and to love again IS completely natural. The problem arises because as we try to fill the huge void left by our divorce, we tend to get the cart in front of the horse. Consequently, instead of solving our problems, we complicate them. What I'm going to share is an attempt to point you in the right direction before you enter a new relationship. If you've already begun one, what follows can help you evaluate its status and viability. Search your heart as you consider the following list of prerequisites concerning a new relationship. If you answer No to any of the questions, you aren't ready for one.

• Are you truly in a growing relationship with God?
• Is your divorce legal and final?
• Have you exhausted all reasonable efforts at reconciliation?
• Have you resolved any substance-abuse problems?
• Is your new household reasonably settled?
• Are you financially solvent?
• Is your relationship with God such that He's now a companion able to fill your needs?
• Are your periods of depression and/or loneliness increasingly fewer and farther between?
• Are your thoughts shifting from what happened in the past to your present and your future?
• Have you applied all the concepts contained In this volume especially forgiveness?

If you can answer all the above with an honest and wholehearted Yes, then you are ready to explore relationships - under God's control brother than yours.

A new mind-set about dating

There IS an alternative to the typical dating so common in the world and even the church. But it isn't always popular because it requires that before people go searching for Mr. or Ms. Right, they must believe that the Lord knows who their future mate is, where that person is, and when they should meet him or her. Hence, divorcees need not go looking for that someone special but should instead concentrate on developing their bond of love and trust with God. The stronger their bond with Him becomes, the more likely they'll be ready to recognize the marital partner God has been preparing for them. It's when we learn to trust whom, when, and where completely to God and not ourselves that we will truly have peace and a promising future.

In this new mind-set, preparation for marriage is not so much finding the right person but being the right person In God. Notice God's promise: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this." (Psalm 37:4, 5). Likewise, Matthew 6:33 promises that if you "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, [then] all these things will be given to you as well."

This orientation changes everything about the dating process. Most significantly, It alters the way in which you will evaluate any potential new partner. It's not that basic chemistry, spark, and attraction play no role, for most certainly you should be attracted to the person you marry. However, you are to hold those things in subjection to the primary qualification in any new relationship, which is that your prospective partner must be committed to having his or her self-will under the control of God. If you've progressed through your divorce to the point of considering a new relationship, you should know what it means to die to self over and over again. While terribly difficult and certainly painful at times, it is this death to self-will and submission to Christ that qualifies you for a new relationship. In looking back over your failed marriage, it shouldn't be hard to realize that self-centeredness on both
sides was the root of your trouble, and if you want to avoid a repeat of the past, then you're certainly going to want someone who shows the same self-sacrificial experience with God that you've been learning.

I share the following statistics not to make any of you nervous but to encourage you to consider carefully what truly makes a marriage prosper and to choose a marriage partner wisely. Second marriages fail a staggering 74 percent of the time, while third and fourth marriages have failure rates of 83 and 95 percent respectively. Nevertheless, more than 80 percent of divorced individuals will eventually remarry.

Can second and third marriages last? The answer is Yes! Ensuring the lifelong prosperity of marriages IS dependent upon two things: trusting God to bring the marriage partners together, and allowing God to keep them together by changing them on the inside. In other words, to have a successful remarriage, you must be God-centered rather than self-centered. When marriages have this focus, the odds of ever repeating the nightmare of divorce are enormously reduced. The book Family Foundations by Paul Meier and Richard Meier states, "Only one out of four hundred marriages ends in divorce when the couple read the Bible and pray together."

You see, when I no longer live my self-centered way but trust Christ to live in me, then I have a real, vital connection with God, who plants in me a self-giving love that will prosper my marriage even through difficult times. God assures us, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you... [My] unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts In [Me]" (Psalm 32:8, 10).

How would you like to live with a spouse who has an unshakable love for God that makes that person gentle and kind, willing to deny self and to consider your needs and feelings before his or her own? A spouse who is cheerful, unfailing, and faithful not just In marriage but in all of his or her obligations; who is honest yet thoughtful? Sounds like a mate made in heaven, right? Wrong' It is a mate right here on earth whom God is leading and In whom His Spirit is dwelling. And God is calling us, you and me, to be just such persons. This IS what it means to become a new person in Christ and a loving partner for marriage.

The problem with us is that during most of our lives we have probably acted just as we thought, felt, or desired. I've found that even after going to God and sincerely desiring to have Him lead in my life, my inclinations often pulled me back to hyoid self-centered ways of thinking and behaving. Let me summarize the apostle Paul's experience and solution to this as seen in chapters 7 and 8 of Romans: "I've blown it again and again. What a wretched man I am' Who can rescue me from myself? Ah ha'-yes: Jesus, my Lord. Now, I am not being controlled by my self-centered nature anymore, but by God's Holy Spirit living in me.

So, don't despair if you find It hard to rely upon God continually, for the enemy of our souls wishes to get us focused upon our shortcomings and upon anything else that will separate us from God. Remember, whenever we realize we have slipped back into our old ways, Jesus invites us to deny self, take up our cross, and follow Him (see Mark 8:34). He is a God of love, mercy, and patience, and He offers as many second chances as we need.

We deny our self-will every time we choose to abandon our self centered ways and trust God to renew us with His amazing grace. This battle with self IS the greatest battle we'll ever fight because it's so natural for us to demand what we want when we want it. We see this sinful characterIStic in all human beings from the time they are Infants. Now, as we are deciding of our- own free wills to call upon God to crucify these selfish characteristics for what IS perhaps the first time in twenty, thirty, or even forty years, it is no wonder that we struggle against long-standing, habitual behaviors. It's a struggle that no human can wage successfully apart from the power of God.

If you decide to engage in this warfare, know with certainty that even with divine power interceding on your behalf, you will have a difficult and at times a painful struggle before you experience the joy of victory.

When we have tasted of this experience, we can better understand why the apostle Paul said, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me" (Galatians 2:20). Paul had come to understand this battle we are now entering. He had learned how to live his life under the control of another-not as a slave who has no control over who ruled him, but as a free moral agent who chose to submit to the love and wisdom of God and reaffirm that choice whenever he felt the inclination to do things his own way.

When Paul said "I am crucified,"~ he meant "I am choosing the pain of putting my desires to death so I may emerge from this torture living a new life filled with Christ's attributes of love, joy, and peace." Paul made this choice because he knew the immense joy and peace that comes from having an all-knowing and loving God guide him through all his situations and circumstances in ways he could never have envisioned. A Christian is very much like a woman in labor who accepts pain that she may bring forth a new life.

If you have walked this road of self-denial, you know what I am speaking about. If not, you are not only missing heaven's richest blessing upon your life but you are also markedly increasing the chances that you will repeat the painful failures of the past - something none of us want.

Finding the right person

You might ask, "But Richard, how do I go about allowing God to lead me to the right person for remarriage? Don't I have to do something? How much responsibility do I have, and how much IS God's? If I stay home and never take any action that will bring me in contact with other people, it's unlikely that my potential mate will appear suddenly at my door." That is entirely correct. We do have a role to play. God expects us to do our part by being willing to meet others and to give others a chance to get to know US, all the while treating each person we meet with respect, dignity, and love as would befit a son or daughter of the King. In God's time, He'll put you in contact with your potential mate. You don't have to become anxious or go searching desperately. Just let all those whom you meet see God's grace growing in you. He'll do the rest. Searching for the right mate is not your responsibility; being God's child is.

I strongly encourage you to get to know a variety of people in a casual group setting. This avoids the exclusivity of a traditional "date" and helps prevent your bonding to someone before you've had opportunity to observe his or her character and spirituality fully. It usually takes a couple of months to do this. Take your time; remember; you are investing for the long term. Anyone can look good for a week or two, but over a longer period, few can keep up a front long enough to prevent you from seeing who they really are.

However, if as a result of your observations and conversations over several months you are impressed that you both relate to each other in a godly way-by which I mean, both of you are respectful and spiritually uplifting to the other-if you are mutually attracted to each other's character and spiritual life, consider beginning an exclusive, but casual relationship and see if it continues to grow. When such a friendship shows potential to be more than casual, be sure to include God in a more positive but gentle way. Include Him not only during your usual courting activities but also by doing such spiritual things together as reading the Bible and good spiritual literature, watching inspirational videos, participating in church activities, going on mission trips, and of course, praying together. Your relationship with a potential mate should encourage within both of you the growth of God's presence. If it doesn't, if you draw each other away from God rather than inclining each other toward Him, then you should seriously consider abandoning the relationship.

If you have covered these early steps and God seems to be blessing your relationship, the question of becoming more serious naturally arises. We'd like to think that having been married and having experienced a long-term relationship is an advantage, but in some ways it can work against us, particularly if we rush through the early days of court ship looking for the deeper intimacy and trust we remember and miss so much from our married life. Unfortunately, it takes time to get to know-I mean really know-another person. Most of my clients find they need seven hundred to eight hundred hours of contact before they can begin to decide about marriage. This takes a year or more. During this time, trying situations will test both of you. How you each manage them will reveal the degree to which self is willing to die and how strongly God's love is present in both of you.

After you've successfully invested some months in casual group dating and a year or more dating exclusively, you need to move your relationship forward toward marriage. The inability to do so constitutes a strong warning that your relationship lacks viability. If God has given you both confidence and the fullness of His peace, you should proceed to engagement. The clients of mine who have the best outcomes seem to opt for an engagement of about six months.

Will these guidelines work? Yes, when people use them under God's influence. But beware of some tYPical minefields along the way. It is far too easy to fall into minimizing, rationalizing, or rushing the critical first step of beginning to die to self before any courtship begins. God can't perform some magical transformation in our lives to prepare us for a fulfilled life-long marriage when we avoid this first step. Another danger IS the failure to wait for the Lord to lead us to a mate. It's hard to wail I know, for I've stood in your shoes. However, this waiting time can be a most precious time - a time when God does His important work of transforming us to will and act according to His perfect love. Don't waste this opportunity.

Unless the Lord is building your relationship, you can't expect to have a prosperous lifelong marriage. Always remember that a Christian marriage is two sinners-not two saints-coming together, desiring with all their hearts for God to continue His transforming work of crucIfying self so that His love lives in them, equipping them for the tough times-which will come.

Dating's impact on your children

If you have children, you need to realize that they will likely find any such new relationship very difficult and confusing. After the breakup of their home, your children will need some years of stability to become secure once more, so you must put off dating for an extended period. Of course, there are other concerns you should keep in mind when you are prayerfully convinced that the time is right to commence dating. Children whose parents have divorced feel that they've already lost one parent, so, as the custodial parent dates, they will very likely feel as if they're losing that parent too. Regardless of how nice the person you're dating is, your children's feelings of abandonment can have some serious psychological and emotional ramifications, so go very slowly here. Give highest priority to the well-being of your children. This is an area fraught with dangers; stepchild relationships are a major cause of subsequent divorces.

Currently, 70 percent of all couples live together before marrying, and the numbers are believed to be higher among the previously divorced. But if your goal is to remarry and then keep that marriage permanent and prospering, I suggest that you shouldn't count on the idea that living together first will help. People who do so are likely to be disappointed. Research has found that those who lived together before marriage experience substantially higher divorce rates than those who didn't.

People who are sincerely seeking to follow God's leading in their life know that living together before marriage is not God's plan for us. In fact, the Bible tells us that He condemns such arrangements. I believe He does this because it is not an effective way for us to move toward a fulfilled and successful marriage, and He desires our long-term happiness.

The very nature of living together before marriage has major Inherent weaknesses. One is the lack of a serious covenant with God and one's mate to remain committed even during the difficult times. An other is that the cohabiting couple doesn't enjoy the fullness of God's marital blessings, which would carry them through the rough times and enable the bonds of love between the two of them and between them and God to grow stronger.

Emotions are one of romance's greatest joys and greatest dangers. There IS nothing wrong with the wonderful feelings associated with romance - God created them. However, a relationship based solely upon emotions can look very much like the real thing without having any of the underlying strength of a true, God-based relationship. Emotional ties may appear to be as strong as steel, but time has repeatedly demonstrated that relationships based upon feelings cannot long endure the stresses that come to every couple sooner or later. Then the couple finds that in place of the steel they thought they had, their ties shatter like crystal.

The true strength of relationship comes from the presence of God's love in us. He has described that love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It IS not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" (I Corinthians 13:47).

The type of love God gives us is not based upon romantic feelings but rather on self-denying actions. Romantic feelings are a delightful benefit of a self-denying love between two people, but no relationship can long endure when built solely upon them. It is only as we learn to surrender to God, to yield our feelings, our desires, and our self centered wishes to His will that we can exercise the type of love this text speaks of In our new relationship. As we each strive in God's strength to express His way of loving, our new marriage will prosper through the difficulties and problems we will face. Most of all, our new relationship will glorify God and reveal the awesomeness and redemptive power of God's love.

Richard T. D'Avanzo, Ph.D., a professor at Florida Christian University, is a sought-after counselor, speaker, and teacher. He resides with his wife, Maria, in Vero Beach, Florida, where they enjoy friends and family, and seek to be good parents, step-parents, and grandparents. Richard says he relates well to those who have gone or are going through a divorce, as well as those who are struggling to make their marriage work, because he's been there.

With deep compassion and spiritual insights, Dr. D'Avanzo uses the life lessons he has learned to help you discover how to:
• Deal with anger in constructive, healing ways
• Break the desperate cycle of hopelessness and despair
• Fill the void of loneliness with God's loving presence
• Help your children feel secure and loved even after the divorce
• Know when you're ready for a new relationship
• Become a new person in christ and a loving marriage partner
• Find freedom through forgiveness