7 Questions To Ask Before You Marry

Harvey Corwin, Retired Director
Family Ministries Oregon Conference

Let’s be honest. The "till death do us part" of the marriage vow rings increasingly ironic. For too many couples, marriage has become "till divorce do us part."

Every couple marrying today is at risk. More than 200,000 new marriages each year end prior to the couple’s second anniversary(1). After they toss the bouquets and return the tuxedos, couples often assume they’re headed for marital bliss. But a study of those who recently tied the knot revealed the 4% reported having serious marital problems. Half were already having doubts about whether their marriages would last.

The truth is, however, most engaged couples prepare more for their wedding than they do for their marriage. The $20 billion-a-year wedding industry can testify to that fact. According to experts, the average two hundred guest wedding today costs $15,000 to $30,000.(2) More than one million copies of bridal magazines are sold each month, focusing mostly on wedding ceremonies, honeymoons, and home furnishings but not on marriage itself.

When I think back to Kathy and my pre-marital counseling there is no memory file—it didn’t happen. But we were well prepared for the wedding. The truth is that less than a fifth of all marriages in America are preceded by some kind of formal marriage preparation.(3)

It makes you wonder what would happen if the same amount of energy, and money spent on the ceremony was invested in the marriage. Far too long, the trend has been to fall in love, marry, and hope for the best.

Over the last two decades, marriage specialists have researched the ingredients of a happy marriage. As a result, we know more about building a successful marriage today than ever before. Briefly, the things that forecast a healthy marriage form the basis of the seven following suggestions:(4)

1. Have you faced the myths of marriage with honesty?
2. Can you identify your love style?
3. Have you developed a habit of happiness?
4. Can you say what you mean and understand what you hear?
5. Have you bridged the gender gap?
6. Do you know how to fight a good fight?
7. Are you and your partner soul mates?

Every couple should be aware of these issues before and after they marry. Taking the time to understand theses issues is like investing in an insurance policy against divorce. That’s why we provide on-going premarital education from the Oregon Conference Family Life Department. As marriage and family specialists, Kathy and I have learned that living happily every after is less a mystery than the mastery of certain skills. Although married life will always have its difficulties, you will steadily and dramatically improve your relationship by mastering certain life skills.

Many couples wrongly blame in-laws, money and sex for break-ups and marital dissatisfaction. However, the hot points in marriage usually result from poor communication, gender issues, and lack of spiritual health, to name a few.

We invite you to take a closer look at some of these issues before marriage. If you are dating or contemplating marriage, you are invited to attend the all day "Christians in Commitment Seminar" (now called "Now & Forever") held annually in the month of January. If you are married, you are invited to the Sweetheart Retreat at the Inn at Eagle Crest. (Usually held on a weekend nearest Valentine’s Day -- Click on the Sweetheart Retreat link for information.)

1. These findings are based on a nationwide study of 455 newlyweds and seventy-five longer-married people looking back on their first year of marriage. The research is published in Miriam Around and Samuel L. Parker’s book The First Year of Marriage (New York: Warner, 19870.
2. A. Cook, The $60,000 Wedding. Money Magazine (May, 1990).
3. These findings are based on telephone interviews with 1,037 adults, ages 18+. The survey was conducted between September 24 and October 9, 1988. Error attributable to sampling and other random effects could be plus or minus 4 percentage points.
4. Dr. Les Parrot, and Dr. Leslie Parrot, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, MI, 1995