Responsible Fatherhood, Faith, Marriage and Family

On that blessed day, that very first “Parent’s Day,” God spoke and said: “Let us make man in our own image, after our likeness and let them have rulership over everything that will be and God made man and woman.”

Wow! What a beautiful sight that must have been – two human beings, a new order of creatures, the beginning of a new planet, a new world. Then God blessed them and spoke to them saying, “Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth, have many children, fill the earth and master it.” God loves family. When he spoke and said, “Let Us,” He was speaking to other members of His God Family.

Adam and Eve were to fill the earth with other human beings who would look and act like them, for they were to be made in His image, after His likeness. Adam was to cleave to his wife, Eve, and Eve was to cling to her husband, Adam. They were one. He was assigned to her as secret service agents are assigned to protect the President of the United States. God designed Adam to be a covering for his wife, and a protector for his children. More than this, Adam was to be the SERVANT leader. The SERVANT head, and SERVANT priest. Adam was to keep Eve at all times by his side. God gave them five wonderful gifts: a home, food, employment, a day of rest, and family. How much better could it get? Then it happened: first to Eve, then to Adam. An outsider usurped the power of dominion entrusted to them. This outsider, Satan, decided to put asunder what God had joined together. This outsider was allowed to come between the man and his wife. Sin entered the world. Then a tide of woe fell upon God’s wonderful creation.

Adam was to be the husband, a companion to his wife and the father, a nurturer to his children. He was to rule with love, affection, and live a life of integrity. But now all that was over. Adam ate the fruit after Eve ate it, and then blamed Eve! Can you imagine how she must have felt, standing there before God, with Adam her husband, pointing a finger toward her? And can you imagine, later on, what she must have been thinking when she became pregnant? Can you imagine Cain, the first son, coming into the world looking for someone to hit? The first real chance he got he took it out on his brother, Abel.

Adam’s very first son was a murderer. Adam disobeyed his father, God, and Adam’s first son, Cain, disobeyed him and killed his own brother. So, throughout history, man resorted to violence and murder as the way out. In some communities, homicide is the number one killer of young men ages eighteen to thirty. Brother against brother, family against family, city against city, nation against nation. This began with the first family; it will take family to correct it.

It has been said that a family is a group of individuals with the common goal of group survival and advancement. Everything comes form family. Where there is no family there is no society or culture. The wellbeing of the community, the prosperity of the nation depends on the directors of the family. The home must be the place where the hearts of children, mothers, and fathers feel safe. Our home must become “little heavens” – a place where the hearts of children are cultivated through love, compassion, empathy and true courtesy. The father and mother realize this by exhibiting respect for one another and by cultivating love and trust.

Today many children are left to raise themselves (latch-key kids), as the mother and father go off to work. And even in those homes where there are stay-at-home moms, there are challenges. In fact, often families attending church are struggling to keep themselves afloat. Among churchgoers, divorce and family breakup rivals that of non-churchgoers. So what are we to do? We must first understand the problem, before we can find a solution.

Several profound statements opened my eyes to the problem, triggering my search for the solution. The first is Exodus 20:5. God says he will visit “…the iniquity of the father upon the children to the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.” The second is found in Ezekiel 18:2 “The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge.” The last two statements are from the New Testament. Ephesians 6:4 states, “You fathers provoke not your sons and daughters to anger. Bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” These four very profound statements point to the core of not only America’s problem, but also, the world’s problem. Many fathers across the world are provoking their children by abandoning them, abusing them and neglecting them. This behavior creates a passing down to the third or fourth generation. One case in point is the legacy of Mr. Jukes and his descendants.

• 440 were physically wrecked by alcohol or drugs;
• 310 were professional paupers;
• 130 were convicted criminals;
• 60 were habitual thieves;
• 55 were victims of impurity;
• 7 were murderers.

Just visit today’s prisons, jails, mental institutions, or hospitals to catch a glimpse of this legacy.

Although America and other developed countries spend billions of dollars each year fighting drug and alcohol abuse, crime, poverty, health disparities, education failure, and out-of-wedlock births, these are only symptoms of still a greater problem – fatherlessness. “Fatherlessness” is not the same as “fatherless,” for there are many homes where the father is at home and married and yet child abuse, spousal abuse, unfaithfulness, incest and dishonor prevail. Contrary to conventional wisdom, some single parent homes are fairing quite well and producing good, respectful citizens. But these are the exceptions, not the rule. Last night over 25 million boys and girls went to bed in a home without a father present. “Fatherlessness” is a condition of violence, neglect, abandonment, woundedness and pain that is created in the absence of a loving, compassionate, secure, respectful, responsible and nurturing father. The goal is not just a father in the home, but a loving father in the home with a loving wife (not girlfriend), to support him in raising their children.

I have worked with men seeking custody of their children who speak lovingly to and about their children but speak disparagingly of the children’s mother. Men have to be taught that the very best way to love their children is to show respect, honor and love to their children’s mother. Men must learn that the road to the hearts of their sons and daughters is through the mother of their children. As Adam should have done in the beginning, men must cleave to their wives. They must become the Cover for the children’s mother. Men must become their wife’s Protector. Men must begin by surrendering their hearts, mind and hands to all that is true, pure, just, honest and lovely. Second, they must become aware of their own need for family. When I fly across the country, the stewardess announces, “If there is a need for oxygen, the air mask will drop down. First secure your own mask, then, if there is a child or an older handicapped person, secure theirs. First secure yourself, then help others.”

This was the case of Jonathan Edwards, a writer, theologian, pastor, and President of Princeton University. Please note his skills and talents, but he saw as his greatest legacy that as a loving, compassionate, secure and nurturing father. He committed himself to nurturing his eleven children. “Every evening before dinner, Mr. Edwards gave his full attention to his children for one hour. He also took one child along with him on out-of-town trips. He invested himself in his children’s lives.” Now look at his descendants:

• 120 were professors at various universities;
• 11 became attorneys;
• 60 were prominent authors;
• 14 were presidents of universities or colleges;
• 3 served in the U.S. Congress;
• 1 became Vice President of the United States.

As one can see by committing himself to creating a positive legacy, Mr. Edwards not only helped his children, but positively impacted thousands of his descendants, and through them thousands of others. As the word says “showing mercy to thousands of those who love the Creator and keep His Commandments.”

Men – husbands and fathers – must first anchor themselves. Then they are secure enough to help others. Second, they must forgive themselves for past mistakes and start again. Third, they must take responsibility for all their actions without blaming others. Fourth, they must love themselves, so they can love others. Fifth, they must take care of themselves, and then they can take care of their families. Sixth, they must respect themselves before they can respect others. Seventh, they must have personal discipline and self-control. Lastly, they must have a great sense of self-worth. In this way they will value others. Men must understand that in order to stop the killing, the wars, the crime and related problems, they must build family; a well-ordered, well-disciplined family. With the support of their children’s mothers, men must teach the children that they must be boys and girls first, then men and women, then husbands and wives, and then fathers and mothers, in that order. In order to create a better world for all to live in we must make family. As mentioned above, in Exodus 20:5 God says he will visit “…the iniquity of the father upon the children to the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.” However, in the second part of that verse He says that he will show “…mercy unto a thousand generations of them that love me and keep my commandments.” As we look for a better future, it is my prayer and hope that fathers and mothers around the world can embrace the image and likeness of their first Parents, our Creators and Makers; The God Family. Wow! Then what a world of families that would be!

Dr. Charles Augustus Ballard is Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Institute of Responsible Fatherhood and Family Revitalization headquarters in Washington, D.C. Charles Ballard and his wife, Frances, reside in Maryland.