Boundaries for Your Empty Nest

CHAPTER 13 – If Parenting is a Three-Ring Circus, How Come I'm Not the Ringmaster?

"Occasionally sitting at the table of your offspring makes for better relationships than if they sit at yours indefinitely." – Tom Sanford

We were not only good friends but also neighbors. Irv was a good 30 years older than I but was still very active. As a matter of fact, when most people have retired, or are at least thinking about it, Irv, at age 70, was buying a restaurant and looking forward to his third career. Irv had started out as a pharmacist, then bought a gas and oil distributorship. In less than a year after he sold his business he was buying another one.

There is something else I must tell you about Irv. He had recently married a 55-year-old woman with two adult children. Irv’s first wife had passed away five years before and for several years he had kept her ashes on the fireplace mantel in his living room. I didn’t realize they were there until one day he said to me, “Tom, it’s time for me to get on with my life. Could you take me for a little plane ride so I can scatter my wife’s ashes over the mountains?”

I had never done that before and expressed some concerns – like blasting the paint off the side of the plane as he scattered the ashes. After all, when you rent a plane they expect it to come back with as much paint as it had on when it left. I could just see the sandblasted horizontal stabilizer in my mind. But, not wanting to disappoint him, I took the chance.

Just as confident as he was about closing that chapter in his life, he was equally confident that his new marriage would be great. She was “young and pretty,” so he declared. “And the boys could help with keeping the yard up.”

“ Young!” I thought to myself. “Why, she’s almost old enough to be my mother. Besides she has a 30-year- old son.” Boy, did I ever get a good lesson in perspective.

One thing Irv had never done before was come to my office for any reason. But, six months into his new marriage he showed up – unannounced and uninvited. He didn’t even wait for a greeting or an invitation to have a seat. He just walked in and plopped himself down in the chair nearest my desk. As a matter of fact, he didn’t even take the time for pleasant formalities. He was on a mission and I could tell it. His jaw was set and his eyes had that far off look.

“ Tom,” he began, “have you ever had a passion to go to the remotest place in Montana, find an abandoned logging road, drive to the very end, build a cabin and just live there in total solitude until you died?”

“ Irv, you’re having marriage problems aren’t you?” I blurted out so spontaneously that it surprised even me. I could tell a storm was brewing on the horizon of the tranquil existence he once enjoyed. His life and his home were no longer his own. The wife of his youth was gone, and out of loneliness he had taken the risk of loving again.

With a sigh that told me he was relieved at not having to explain the reason for his visit. He leaned forward and told me a story I have heard all too often - before and since.

Irv explained he had tried to set down some ground rules and establish chores for each of his new young residents with absolutely no success. He couldn’t even get the 30 year old motivated to get a job. “What’s worse,” he moaned, “is my wife has her suitcase packed and declares, in no uncertain terms, she is moving out if I kick him out.”

“So, you feel the only way out of this predicament is to run away yourself and leave no forwarding address. Is that correct?” I asked. He nodded in a defeated gesture.

“Okay, Irv,” I said with a bit of enthusiasm that shocked him. “You’re not leaving until you get the packrats out of your lower level. You’ll enjoy your trip to Montana much better. First, consider how old you will be when the 30-year-old free loader is 50. Can you imagine a 90-year-old man supporting a 50 year old?” He shook his head with a bit of surprise.

“You are going to have to take a risk,” I encouraged. “But it is a risk that I think will come out to your good. Here it is: Forget your wife’s threat and quit looking at her packed suitcase. That is only a ploy to force you into submission. But if she does leave, pray she takes her kids with her. As unorthodox as that may sound, Irv, you have to do something now or you will never regain control.”

With that introduction I told Irv his only compromise should be to rent an apartment for two months for his stepson, move him out and announce that he has two months to get a job because he isn’t moving back home and you aren’t paying any more rent.

“Once you have the 30 year old tamed then you can deal with the 20 year old. But he’s a bit different because he’s in school.”

Irv walked out of my office with determination. “After all,” he confessed, “I don’t think I could stand all that cold and snow in Montana.”

I didn’t see Irv for another six months and was a bit nervous about calling his house – afraid that all might have failed and he had left for Montana. But one day, to my surprise, he walked into my office – again totally unannounced. “I did it and it worked,” he smiled.

“What about your wife’s suitcase,” I asked quizzically?

“Oh, that. Once she knew I meant business she unpacked it and I haven’t heard any more about it.”

“And the son?”

“Ah, he got a job within two weeks after I moved him out. And, he moved into another apartment. It seems he didn’t like my selection,” he laughed a bit sarcastically.

With the number of adult children moving back home due to unemployment, divorce, finances, or one of several other reasons, it is time parents take charge of their own home. If you don’t, these adult children will be harder to get rid of later on and perhaps cost you plenty of stress, money and sleep during what you thought were going to be your peaceful retirement years.

Here are a couple examples of heartbreaking situations that should be a warning sign to all of us. One couple mortgaged their home to keep their “resident” son from going bankrupt. It seems he promised he would pay them back as soon as he got back on his feet. It just so happened that he never considered himself “back on his feet”. Even a couple years later when he was experiencing quite an affluent lifestyle with absolutely no housing costs, Mom and Dad had grown accustomed to him living at home. Ironically, they would wake up in the mornings angry and didn’t know why.

Number one mistake: not charging their son rent. After all, “He is our son. He might be offended if we suggest he pay rent.” Number two mistake: not having their son sign a note for repayment. It was merely a word of mouth agreement. Their son concluded he was unable to pay them back until he had paid off all his toys. Maybe he figured if he waited long enough he would collect on his inheritance and save the pain of paying them back.

In another case the parents had the last laugh. In their will they stated that all their assets, upon their death, would be split between all of their children except one. The will declared no money or anything else would go to this particular son because, “We have given him more than his share of the inheritance during our lifetime.” It’s too bad they didn’t have the nerve when they were still alive to tell him they weren’t going to give him any more money.

The one thing more tragic than loaning your children money, which you might never see again, is to have them nickel and dime you to death.

How about another couple who had to sell the home they had lived in for the past 40 years and move into a one bedroom house just for peace and quiet. As much as they loved their daughter, son-in-law, and three grandchildren, the house was getting smaller every day.

Far more often than we’d like to think, adult children are having their own children, moving in with their parents for a period of time and then walking away and leaving the grandchildren. I don’t know of any grandparents who would abandon their grandchildren because of the inappropriate lifestyle of their son or daughter. We need to commend those who graciously raise a second family in their retirement years.

So, let’s talk about ways you can maintain control, protect your finances and assure yourself you won’t get to be 80 while still supporting a 40 year old. It might be tough at first, but you can handle it. It’s like going out deep-sea fishing. You have to endure the breakers getting out of port before the waters begin to calm down. And if your entire fishing trip is stormy, make it back to port and check in with a professional on some sound advice before you try the breakers again.

Regardless of whether your child never leaves home because of attending college locally or he or she returns home after college; whether your child never goes to college or a host of other causes – don’t let him or her live at home without it costing them something! It’s simply a matter of responsibility, accountability, respect, and continuing the development of integrity in your child through this stage in his or her life.

Our son decided it was cheaper to stay at home while going to college. While we were honored that he wanted to stay at home, I made sure, early in his final year, to let him know I would give him three months after college before rent and boarding charges would be assessed. Before you begin to think this is cruel and unusual punishment, keep reading before you pass final judgment.

Remember my words just a bit earlier about responsibility, accountability, respect and integrity? I merely asked for a reasonable percentage of his income for housing and an additional percentage for food. Plus, if he was going to use my car, he had to return it with as much gas as was in it prior to him borrowing it.

Oh, one more thing – he was responsible for the oil changes. He chose to take the cheaper option and serviced the car himself. For those who are not mechanically inclined it is best to insist on a reputable service company to do that.

Knowing ahead of time what was expected of him helped avoid the possibility of a hostile environment; he knew the expectations and limitations. He also agreed that the percentages were reasonable and fair. Being the resourceful person that he is, he wanted to make certain my percentages were indeed fair. So, one day at the table he proposed that he should not pay any more for rent, percentage wise, than what my house payment was costing me. I thought that was fair so I let him get his calculator and figure out my income/housing ratio as well. After a few moments of calculating, he promptly closed the calculator and continued eating without saying another word.

“What’s the matter,” I asked with a grin, “Is the deal off?”

It wasn’t until he was almost finished eating that he could muster the courage to confess that I was paying a good seven percent more of my income on housing than the percentage I was charging him. He was now eager to keep the rent agreement as I had originally proposed.

If your adult child has no job, you can still assess his or her unemployment payments. But, if there is no income whatsoever, you can always establish values for work that needs to be done around the house. After all, why should you be mowing the lawn and weeding the garden when your able bodied offspring is inside watching TV without seemingly a worry about his or her future.

Consider the wonderful possibilities of saving money with your return nester. You could even cancel some of your services since you now have a built-in housekeeper. What’s nice about this idea is you already know them. Therefore, their references are easily accessible – day or night. What I am saying is this: before they walk in the front door and put their suitcases down consider your history with them and their amiability. If they left in hostility and are returning with unresolved issues, ask yourself this question, “If I was hiring – would I give this person a second thought?”

“But wait!” you shout. “This is my child. I can’t just turn them away.” Maybe not, but you still don’t have to let them disrupt your life by charging back home and ruling the roost. It would be far cheaper, emotionally and financially, to do what Irv did. Rent them an apartment for a short time. And, if you find it difficult to say no to an overbearing, dominant adult child, this would be a wonderful time to change the locks and go on vacation. While you’re gone see if you can find a class on codependency so you can establish and maintain some healthy boundaries.

The biggest challenge will be to set boundaries that you might not have set when they were young. This is the time that all your skills will be called into action. It’s the time to be sure you are in control. Giving in or feeling sorry for one who intentionally or unintentionally wants to cash in his or her inheritance early will only lead to discord or unhappiness as time goes on. You might feel the need to rescue one who has squandered both his life and resources, but the other siblings are going to begin to resent you in the process.

The difference between you and the prodigal’s father in Luke 15 is that while he welcomed the wayward son back home, he respected the older son’s inheritance and did not offer to take more away from him in order to support the younger. Further, the younger son knew, before he even came home, that the consequence for being foolish and squandering his resources was that he would have to resort to manual labor where before he lived a life of luxury. He knew this so well that he had it rehearsed so he wouldn’t have to waste his father’s breath.

By now you are probably thinking, “At what age is it appropriate to practice this concept?” There are some people who would like me to suggest a definite age they can set as their goal. It’s not that easy.

The principal I use is: Whenever your offspring are finished with school, regardless of whether they are 16 or 23, they should begin to assume responsibility for their own upkeep. Don’t be suckered into the excuse, “I can’t find a job.” If they have dropped out of school, accountability might just inspire them to go back to school so they can pay their bills.

Be careful of some children who become “career” students. In those cases, I would tie this principal to either the number of years in college or a degree. I would also consider their adult lifestyle or marital status. Marriage should be a clue to you that they want to establish a home of their own. Just don’t let them make it yours.

Another consideration is whether your adult child has any physical or mental challenges that would preclude their ability for some type of employment.

Regardless of the circumstances and considerations, the point is this: Adult children are adults, not children, who should be allowed to grow up and be independent. It is better for everyone concerned that they accept responsibility for themselves. This cannot help but result in positive self-esteem and the broadening of their horizons.

The other side of the coin is you, as parents, have earned the right to pursue your own lives after serving and, in many cases, sacrificing for your children.

There is nothing wrong with being honest with your adult child and saying, “I love you, but I won’t support you. You have what it takes to make a life of your own.” Don’t even discuss whether you can afford it or not. That is not the issue. The issue is making sure your adult child assumes responsibility for his or her own actions.

Review

• Any offspring who drops out of school or graduates should pay rent if they wish to live at home.
• No loans should be by handshake or verbal agreement. A legal note should be signed by your son or daughter.
• To be fair to all your children, do not indulge one over the others. If you only have one child, make him wait for his inheritance just in case you need it yourself.
• If you don’t have the nerve to say no to an adult child, seek professional help.
• Helping an adult child to be independent will improve his or her responsibility, accountability, respect and integrity.
• The absence of a job should never be an excuse for lack of accountability.
• Some situations require more strategic planning than others, but you can succeed with prayer and consultation.
• Saying no is not synonymous with not loving.

Boundaries for Your Empty Nest is the final chapter in Tom Sanford's "must read" book, If Parenting is a Three-Ring Circus, How Come I'm Not the Ringmaster? Get your copy today!

BY Tom Sanford,
If Parenting is a Three-Ring Circus, How Come I'm Not the Ringmaster?

A MUST READ, filled with wisdom, creative discipline and entertaining anecdotes, as well as the principles that have made Project PATCH so successful. Obtain a copy for a donation of $15 or more sent to:

Project PATCH (Planned Assistance for Troubled CHildren)

www.projectpatch.org
13455 SE 97th Avenue, Clackamas, OR 97015-9798
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patch@projectpatch.org e-mail

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Project PATCH began in January 1984 as a foster home referral program, the dream of Tom and Bonnie Sanford. Since the Project PATCH Ranch began operations in 1990 it has been providing therapeutic programs for youth-at-risk.

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