"I Don't Want To Die"

Thoughts Expressed by a Young Mother Dying of Cancer

Dying scares me. The dying process scares me. I am not fearful of death, but I am of dying. In fact, I sense you are too. When you come to visit me you keep your distance and won't even talk about it. When the subject comes up, you disguise your feelings, pain, or sorrow. You use a variety of comments.

"Everything will be all right."

"You'll be okay."

"You have nothing to fear."

"You're a fighter, you'll make it."

"Christians shouldn't be so depressed."

"You must have done something wrong if God did this to you."

"It is God's destination for you to die . . . you should not try to alter that." Your words are MEANINGLESS words; HOPELESS words. You remind me of Job's three "wise counselors."

Please hear me clearly! My heart cries out...everything is NOT all right. I am NOT okay. I don't want to die. I don't want to lose you. I'll miss you. Can I say it louder and clearer? -- I don't want to die! I want to be with you. I feel helpless, almost hopeless, because neither you nor I nor anyone else can do anything to save me. Only God has that power. I also know that you and I DO NOT have any power to heal or save.

I fear the pain, your pain and my pain. I don't want you to hurt because of me. I want to love you. I will miss you. I've discovered that life is so-o short and has no promises. I will miss you so much!

I want YOU TO SAY, "I don't want you to die." That's music to my ears. I will ALWAYS REMEMBER it if you ever say it! I want to know that you care. I want to hear those difficult, extremely difficult spoken words -- "I don't want you to die." I know that by your presence when you come to visit me you are saying it, but I want to HEAR your love.

I don't want someone else to raise my children. I will miss them. I love them. I hope that you will love them as much as I have. I can't give them up. A mother's love is so strong. I can't let go. You know the feeling don't you?

I must grasp at every tangible straw. I look for any sign of caring, loving, and kindness. I struggle for hope, peace, and happiness. I feel lonely. Come visit me even if I look terrible. I enjoy being with you. Your strength encourages me. I want to hear of your love and concern. I feel like Christ when He went to His disciples that late night in Gethsemane. He wanted to hear of their love and concern.

Faith? You ask how it is? It's strong! I believe in the beautiful love of Jesus' gift to us. If it wasn't for His love I would not have any faith, hope, peace, or love. He has given so-o much. So has our Father! I can only accept it. I can only say "Thanks for Your loving gift Lord!"

Peace? God has given it now. He has always wanted to give it, but I've been reluctant to accept it. He is so gracious, kind, and loving.

Hope? I don't fear death because I know it is like a sleep, AND I surely like sleeping. It is so restful and refreshing. I always like the morning when there is that waking up time. And when Jesus comes I want to have a reunion with you.

My hope and faith are in the resurrection. I hope you believe in it too. I want to be there. I want you to be there too!