Why Parents Have a Hard Time Changing

A Rat changES IT'S behavior when it ceases to get the desired outcome.

A rat runs through the maze...and gets the cheese. Rewarded, the rat repeats the run. This time it gets no cheese. Instead, it gets a shock. How long will the rat continue to run the maze the same way if it doesn’t get the cheese? Not long. Rats change their behavior when it ceases to get the desired outcome.

Then tell me, why is it that parents will go for years spanking and yelling at their children when these behaviors have long ceased to be effective! Or perhaps never were! If rats change when punished instead of rewarded, why not parents? Why do they continue in their dysfunctional patterns of discipline, rather than experiment with different and creative approaches that might be more effective in changing their child’s behavior?

After considerable thought, I offer the following hypotheses:

Hypothesis 1:
We discipline children as we were disciplined. Ingrained within us is the way our parents disciplined us. Our childhood memories become scripts that we follow in disciplining our own children. Parents seldom ask why their parents did what they did. They just blindly follow!
Perhaps you’ve heard the story of the new bride making pot roast. When her husband saw her cutting off both ends of the roast before putting it in the pan and then putting it in the oven, he asked her why.

“Because,” she said, “it’s the way my mother made pot roast.” She then became curious why her mother did it this way, and asked her.

“Because,” she said, “it’s the way my mother did it!” Still curious about the reason, the young bride went to her grandmother and asked why she cut off the ends of the roast before putting it in the pan.

“ Because,” Grandma replied, “I had a tiny oven and small pan. The only way I could get it to fit was to cut off the ends.” For two generations, the ends of the roast were cut off even though it was totally unnecessary!

We need to encourage parents to continually ask, “Why am I doing this to my child? What is the most effective way to change my child’s behavior? Is the way my parents trained me, the very best way for me to use in training my own children?”

And if the answer is no, then cease that behavior and find new and meaningful ways to teach the child the way he should go.

Hypothesis 2:
We are creatures of habit. Habit allows people to put themselves on auto pilot and function without much, if any, thinking. It’s easy for
parents to get in the habit of treating children a certain way, screaming when angry or whipping them for misbehaving. Parents rationalize, “They deserved it!” The more parents repeat an action, the deeper the behavior rut. Habit takes over. They think they have handled the situation, when in reality, their habitual behavior had little to do with whether or not their children learn appropriate behavior. Being the recipient of what a parent thinks a child deserves, has little to do with wholesome discipline.

How can parents change their dysfunctional child rearing methods?

1. Each should write down all the different methods of discipline (or punishment) their parents used for certain types of behavior. Then ask themselves the following: In what ways do I use the same type of discipline for my children? Is it effective? Or is it dysfunctional? If it’s proved ineffective, parents should brainstorm other possibilities. For ideas, they might take a good parenting course, read a parenting book, or ask other parents what they do in similar situations.
2. They must be honest with themselves and ask: Am I doing this because it’s become a habit, or is this the very best way to teach my children important lessons in life.
3. Finally, when parents realize that it would be advantageous to change some of their dysfunctional parenting behavior, they must realize that only people who feel good about themselves who have a healthy self-concept are most likely to change. . Others may talk about changing, but they seldom do because change is scary. People who feel inferior and are nursing a low estimate of themselves find it easier to just keep doing what they’re doing. It may not be effective, but at least they know the outcome.

Change always produces a certain amount of stress. With positive feelings about self, change can be invigorating, even exhilarating! But with negative feelings about self, the stress of change can easily become distress! Why? Because it’s because of that, the outcome is unknown.

The bottom line is: If you want a parent to change, start building the person up with something positive that they’re doing. Encourage them to analyze their methods and make sure they are not just copying their parents or disciplining out of habit.

Dr. Kay Kuzma, wife, mother, friend, and author of over 30 books and hundreds of articles, is founder and speaker of Family Matters, a ministry to promote wholesome family relationships and reduce alienation and abuse. Kay received her masters in child development at Michigan State University and her doctorate in early childhood education from UCLA. After teaching for 25 years, she now has a daily radio feature, Got A Minute for Your Family? and has family promotional TV spots on Three Angels Broadcasting Network. She has been a popular guest on radio and television shows, such as NBC TodayÍs Show, TBNÍs Joy Program, Voice of Prophecy and NPR, and is a dynamic and entertaining motivational speaker and family educator. Her latest books include: Easy Obedience, Memorable Baby Dedications, Creating Love, Blessings at Midnight and Belonging. She and her husband, Jan W., have three grown children and a growing number of grandchildren. Dr. Kay can be reached at Family Matters or by email at kaykuzma@aol.com