My journey began the summer of 1985 when I ended up in the hospital
at 2:00 o’clock in the morning with an anxiety/panic attack.
This was followed by six weeks of acute depression, and a very
gradual fading of the dark gray frame of mind that continually
followed me around. It seemed as though I was constantly watching
life pass by on the other side of a thick glass, and certainly
life was too serious, sad and painful to take time to laugh, play
or have fun.
As I pursued resourced to give me relief from the discouragement
that haunted me day in and day out, I began to consider happenings
and losses in my life, which God never intended his children to
experience. I also started studying how they might have impacted
the loss of heart and spirit in my life.
I first experienced abuse at the hands of two teen-aged boys
when I was five or six years old. As I grew older, I came to realize
that I didn’t remember being played with, held, hugged or
kissed as a small child. I recalled the strangeness of the nine
years when the "nanny", turned Daddy’s mistress,
lived with Mama, my brother, my sister and me in our home in Los
Angeles. All over again I could sense the strange, sick-to-my-stomach,
feeling I had when she repeatedly shared with me details of their
escapades of the years, as well as those of other "men"
in her life.
It was after seventh grade, when on a family camping vacation
that, with terror one night, I was awakened being assaulted by
my brother. Later on I sought advice and help from a pastoral
counselor who in time blackmailed me to submit to entirely inappropriate
physical attentions from him. The memory of the night a tiny life’s
body and a voice within me was removed and thrown in the trash
has resulted in an incalculable mental and emotional toll.
My heartache and heartbreak wasn’t over yet. After more
than twenty years of marriage, and seven children later, my "pillar-in-the-church"
spouse divulged, under duress, his chronic unfaithfulness throughout
our marriage, and a life-long secret of childhood sexual abuse
that spanned many years, which he experienced at the hands of
his older cousins.
My heart was shattered. Getting out of bed each day was a chore
beyond belief and merely putting one foot in front of the other
was just about all I could do. But I want you to know; the fallout
from all of this did not go without notice. Caring resources,
support, help, hope, answers and healing results were available
"for the asking."
I don’t want to lead you to think addressing such violations
and wounds has been easy, nor that the desired results have come
quickly. It has seldom been like that. It has been the single
most difficult and grueling experience of my life. In fact, my
life at present is perhaps as challenging as it has ever been.
But…I AM now learning to "fly without wings," and
underneath me are the "everlasting arms."
- I am learning to surrender my self-defeating behaviors.
- I am growing in strength and insight to make good choices
for myself.
- I am able to act more positively on behalf of my health, job,
family, and finances.
- I am finding that others can do for themselves what I thought
I had to do for them.
- I am cheered by my increasing ability to give and receive
love graciously.
- I am becoming more at ease and available for loving relationships
with others.
- I am becoming more honest with myself and with others.
- I am experiencing true fellowship with others in "like"
circumstances.
- I’ve made friends who love and accept me as I am, but
care too much to let me stay that way.
- My feelings of failure and inadequacy are changing to self-confidence
and independence of spirit.
- I no longer expect others to provide me with an identity or
sense of self worth.
- I am finding the courage to be true to myself!
Are you, or have you ever, been haunted by constant feelings
of sadness, anger, depression, guilt, shame, shut down emotions,
insecurity, inferiority, irritability, and despair? Are you drawn
to withdrawal and seclusion? Do you experience physical and/or
emotional exhaustion, chronic headaches or other explained or
un-explained physical ailments? What about cravings for, or addictions
to, food, alcohol, drugs (prescriptions or over-the-counter),
"romantic" relationships, attention, sex work, religion,
spending/saving, busyness, tobacco, looking good, sounding good,
or any number of other out-of-control feelings or behaviors?
You don’t have to carry those heartaches, burdens and pains
in secret and alone anymore, I urge you to take the risk of stepping
out into the light. You are worth it! You deserve the peace and
freedom God meant for you to know. I encourage you to contact
a trusted pastor, doctor, Christian counselor, the Oregon Conference
Family Life department, etc. They can help, or they can direct
you to a place where you will feel safe and can have anonymity.
My heart’s desire is that you will have the courage to begin
learning to be true to yourself, to be open to learning how to"
fly without wing," and to start feeling the relief of having
underneath you the strong, unfailing "everlasting arms."
With much encouragement and affection,
Lenore
*Letter title borrowed from the book "Flying Without Wings,"
by Arnold R. Beisser, which says that The person who makes the greatest
progress is the one who has stopped waiting for an all-encompassing
breakthrough and has settled for a little gain each day.
